skinny love- rilaya

the day's end

Or so I thought.

The rest of the day seems to crawl by, as Riley and I endure our new classes together, most of which include Lucas.
Or, Huckleberry, as I like to call him.
Focusing becomes exceedingly more difficult, as even my best friend, my better half, can't keep me on task. Because she herself is distracted. She can't rip her eyes off of Lucas for more than two seconds and honestly, her infatuation with him is sickening.
Though I can't really figure out why..

Every time I see her, wide eyed with the hope of new love, I gag. The anger bubbles up inside of me and it takes everything in me not to lash out on her, even though she isn't actually doing anything wrong.

But, somehow I make it through the day and finally, it's time to go home. And by home I mean Riley's house, where I'm sure she'll be over the moon to tell her parents about Lucas. She tells them everything, which is sweet, but I don't think I can bear to hear her drone on and on about a boy she doesn't even know at the dinner table.
I'd rather listen to Auggie's relationship woes.

Walking out of the school, Riley is still off in la-la land, while you can practically see steam coming out of my ears. High school is off to a bad start, to say the very least.

We stroll down the busy sidewalks of town, headed to the subway station. I haven't spoken yet, and I'm not going to be the one to start a conversation. Of course, Riley speaks up within a matter of seconds, because she always has things to talk about. It's cute at times, but not when I'm in this mood.

"So what do you think about Lucas?" She asks, hope prominent in her voice.

Not wanting to ruin her dreams, I just shrug, pushing down some of my emotions so they won't just spill out of my mouth. "He's cool." I murmur as we head into Topanga's to get a smoothie and talk, as we usually do.

Plopping down onto the couch, she sits herself down next to me, a puzzled look on her face. "Just cool? That's it?" She seems genuinely hurt by my words, which was not my intention at all.

Quickly saving myself, I add, "I barely even talked to him, is what I mean. I'm sure he's an amazing guy." I force myself to say, which she seems to accept, giving me a big Riley smile.

We finish our smoothies and I just can't bear to be around giddy, love-sick Riley any longer. I'm happy for her, of course. I'm happy that she's happy, but sometimes it's overwhelming. I'm not your typical bright and shiny teenage girl. I had a tough childhood, and it hasn't really gotten much better. The only time I'm truly happy is when Riley and I are at our bay window. Just the two of us, focused completely on each other and our lives.

I had a feeling that if we tried to talk at the bay window the conversation would be overrun with talk of Lucas.

So, much to Riley's despair, I decide to head home, even though I know my Mom is still working and I'll have to spend the night alone. This isn't new for me, my Mom usually works late, but most of the time I spend the night with Riley, or go home later so I don't have to be lonely for as long.

I spend the walk home deep in thought, looking around at all the busy people rushing to their busy lives. I think about my own life, how I don't know if I'll ever be as happy as Riley. I'll never have a boy, I'll never have a picture perfect family, a nice place to live, or so many people who care about me. I'm grateful for what I do have, but compared to her it's never enough. Fumbling with the keys to my small apartment, I step inside and shut the door behind me, promptly locking it because due to financial issues, I happen to live in a sketchy part of town.

Walking deeper into my mess of an apartment, I throw my bag on the kitchen counter and grab an apple from the fridge. I can't afford cable, so instead of watching tv, I decide to grab my journal and start writing. It passes the time, and it helps me to better understand and process my feelings. Sometimes Riley takes the place of my journal, but tonight is not that night. There are things that I just can't tell her, she wouldn't understand.

She's an optimist. She sees the world as a perfect place where no one gets hurt and no bad things happen.

Me, I'm the opposite.

Bad things happen every single day, I've experienced that first hand. While I admire her positive outlook on life and envy it, really, it isn't realistic, and I never had the chance to experience such ignorant bliss.
Whether that's a good or bad thing, I can't decide.

Hours pass, and my Mom still hasn't returned home, so I figure I should just get some sleep. I have to get up fairly early, to have time to get ready and walk to Riley's house, so we can make it to the subway. Crawling into my bed, I pull the covers up to my chin and stare out the window, the bright lights of the city still shining through my window.

My mind wanders back to the time that Riley slept over, absolutely terrified of all the shadows creeping onto my walls. I was used to it, and found them quite comforting actually, but they were new to her and she couldn't even sleep because of them. She ended up having to cuddle up next to me under the covers to feel safe. Smiling, I slowly drift off to sleep, reminiscing on when times were simpler.