Charade

Benji

In the days that followed, Vic spiralled.

He went for days without sleep or food. He spent hour after hour in his bedroom, hunched over his computer, desperately raking in money as if he could replace every penny before time ran out. His caution had disappeared completely. He became reckless, stupid even, and I found myself terrified of what he might do and how far he might go.

At lunch, four days after the money disappeared, Vic left to collect Lily from her mother's house. He left wordlessly, letting the door slam behind him. I sighed and leaned back into the couch, letting my mind drift. Lily, inevitably, found her way into my thoughts. I replayed our awkward moment over and over in my mind. The kiss that wasn't supposed to happen and how broken her heart was when I pushed her away. I kept thinking that maybe if I'd just let her kiss me, she would've... I don't know... been happier. Maybe it wouldn't be awkward. Maybe Lily could've died in peace.

And then another thought came to mind.

I know that Vic and I hadn't exactly had all the time in the world to look for the missing money before we burned down Eddie's house, but I was starting to think that maybe he wasn't the one that took it all. That night, when it happened, Lily was so distraught, so torn up and broken and miserable. Could she have... Was she even capable of...

I looked up and found myself outside Lily's door. I needed to make sure she didn't do it, that she couldn't, not knowing how much time and effort and love Vic had put into raising all that money. But I also thought of Lily's number one rule: don't go into her room. I knew that if I did this, it would be the ultimate betrayal. She'd never forgive me. But then again, I couldn't let it go. If she did take the money, I had to find out.

Lily's room smelled of perfume.

It was the first thing I noticed. It was sickly sweet, rich, and overwhelming. I blinked and the door swung the rest of the way open, revealing all of Lily's secrets inside.

Hung on every wall and scattered across every flat surface, charcoal drawings resided, each telling a chapter Lily's story. I saw the happiness – pictures of Vic, smiling, and little girls playing on swing sets and with teddy bears – and then I saw the pain. Countless pictures of skinny girls with hollowed out eyes, some were weeping while others were curled up in corners. I saw the anger – pictures of people ripping out their hair and holding it in their hands, others with knives cutting open their arms and legs. Dark and twisted and painful were most of them, and I felt my throat close up and choke.

I realized, with great sadness, that I was staring into Lily's soul.

I began to feel dirty. I wasn't supposed to be looking at this. This was worse than reading her diary – more intrusive, more personal. And then I noticed a particular drawing.

I say drawing, but it really it was just a sentence written in charcoal. To be honest, I may not have noticed it if hadn't been my words she'd written and hung up, but it was, and so I did.

"Do you love me, too?"

"Of course I do...

But not like that."

The front door opened and I snapped out of my trance. Nobody talked as they entered, but I'd lived in this place long enough to recognise Vic's heavy, determined footsteps and Lily's light but angry ones. I froze, my eyes darting around for somewhere to hide, when instead they found something else.

Money.

Countless fat, green wads of it.

They were tucked inside a small blue box with the lid left open, sitting on her black wooden desk, presumably because Lily never expected anybody to come into her room. I felt my whole body go cold and my heart stop in its tracks, so much so that I barely heard Lily open the door...

"Benji?" She asked. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

I met her eyes. My mouth hung open the tiniest amount, with my sad eyes reflecting the shock.

"Benji!"

"You took it," I whispered. "You took the money."

Lily froze, gulped, and bit down on her lip. Swiftly, she stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her.

"Benji, I can explain."

"Why?" I interrupted. "Why would you do this? How could you do this – you know what we went through to get this for you!"

"What you went through?" She echoed. "What about I went through – what I'm still going through?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This disease, Benji. It's going to win, eventually. The surgery isn't even a guaranteed solution. It could come back, and it will, and everything you did would've been for nothing."

"Why are you saying this? We spent months getting this money for you, to save you. I've told you – I've told you what we did and how far Vic went and the limits he was pushed to and was pushed over and then you took this from us. You made everything we did null and void. You did that, Lily. Not your disease. How selfish can you be, to do this to the people who love you the most?"

"Love me? You said you didn't love me."

"I never said that. I never once told you that."

"But it's true, isn't it? If you loved me, you wouldn't of pushed me away."

"You are thirteen, Lily. Thirteen! I'm four years older than you, not far from being a legal adult, when you're only a child. Do you know how wrong it would be for us to be together, even if I was in love with you?"

"That's just trivial shit – it doesn't matter!"

"But it does matter, Lily. And this isn't about what happened the other night, it's about saving you. It's always been about saving you."

"Well what if I don't wanna be saved anymore?" She screamed. "What if I want to die?"

"Then toughen the fuck up because that's not happening. When are you going to see that you are not only one that your cancer is killing? When are you going to stop being so fucking selfish and look up and see that you are not the only one who is suffering and hurting and dying?"

She was crying by now, but I didn't care. She knew I was right. She knew that her death meant everyone's death, but she was in so much pain that she just didn't care. And then suddenly, Vic was there, opening the door, and that's when everything broke.

© A.G. Travers 2015