Jump (Dear Evan Hansen)

The Secret

"Bye honey! Say hi to Connor for me!"

"Wait, mom. There's something I forgot to tell you yesterday."

I walk back into the house. My darn rushing instincts totally blew it yesterday. Thanks to a lovely phone call with my boyfriend, I realized that I told my mom that I'm gay, instead of bisexual. I mean yeah, it's kind of like gay, which is what I told Connor, but he insisted that I tell her the full story. So that's where I find myself today.

"So," I say awkwardly, "remember how I told you that I'm gay?"

"Yes, of course I do. Wh-what's wrong?"

"Well... I may have not told you the right thing. I um... I'm dating Connor, but I also like girl-"

"So your bi?"

"What? Wait. I mean yes. How do you know? Did you like, do research or something after yesterday, or..."

"We should probably sit down. It turns out that I haven't told you the full truth either." I stare at her, confused. What could she be hiding? She's my mom.

She leads me to the living room, like yesterday. And then sits. I follow suit, sitting down next to her, but move back a couple of inches, unsure of what she's about to tell me.

"Remember when your dad left, and I told you it was because he liked another family better?" I look at her, flashbacks of those nightmarish days leading up to that one where one of the people I thought I knew up and left, without even a goodbye. A sickening feeling swirls in my stomach as I think of how he suddenly came back a couple weeks ago. But how he wouldn't come back before. I nod, frowning at the negative memories. "Well, that wasn't the only reason. There's something I didn't tell you, because you wouldn't understand it when you were younger. Evan, sweetie," she pauses, choking on her words. I notice tears well up in her eyes. "I'm... bisexual. A-and when your fa- when he found out, he got up and left, even though my feelings were more directed towards men, and even though I told him how much I loved him. The reason I am so proud of you is because you did something that I never had the nerve to."

"Wow," is all I can manage to say. I stay seated a few feet away from my mom, attempting to process what she just said.

"Evan, I just have one thing I need to ask you," she says in between tears. "Does Connor know? I just, I don't want you getting hurt." By the end of the sentence, she's transitioned from small cries to sobbing. I reach out a hand cautiously, unsure of what to do. She takes it, and holds onto it tightly. "Thank you," she says in between sobs. Oh god Evan, why do you always do this to yourself? You can break someone down but can't build them back up. But I helped Connor. And I broke him down before that.

My short legs run to the front of the line, excited. I see another boy with short brown hair rush to Ms. G, and whisper something in her ear. She shakes her head back and forth, declining whatever offer he just made her. He crosses his arms and starts pouring. Ms. G tries to get him into the line, at which he only screams and kicks. Jared, who always ends up being third in line, taps me on the shoulder. I turn to look at him, and just shrug. The angry boy runs from Ms. G and she shouts his name. Connor Murphy. I don't know him too well, except for the fact that he mostly keeps to himself, and uses the markers a lot, because nobody ever uses the markers.

I turn around and I see Connor grunting as he lifts the printer. He throws it in Ms. G and I's direction. I collapse to the ground, shaking, and then scoot out the door. When I hear my name getting echo down the hallway, I stumble onto my feet, and start stumbling down the hallway. Tears sting my eyes as I run into the bathroom, locking the door, and then start crying.

I wonder if Connor remembers that time in second grade when he threw a printer at his future boyfriend. I hope he doesn't, I wouldn't want him to feel bad. I exit my memories and notice that my mom has gotten up, gotten tissues, and is now looking at me. I flinch. "HI, SORRY," I say loudly. My mom laughs lightly. "Um... are you good, mom? Because Connor and I were supposed to go on a da-"

"Oh, of course! Go right ahead."

"Okay, thanks mom," I say as I throw myself off of the couch and head towards the door. I turn back around to grab my bag.

"Evan," my mom calls out. I walk back to the doorway. "Thank you."

"What? Uh, oh... you're welcome?" I say questionably and rush out the door. I reach into the side of my backpack, and pause to call Connor. I sit on the front steps of my house and he answers almost immediately.

"Hey beautiful."

"You can't even see me," I laugh.

"Yeah, but I don't need to see you to remember how amazing you are." I can almost hear him smiling over the phone, which makes me do the same. "Do you want to come over? Or we could meet somewheres?"

"Okay... well there's the park, or the orchard, or-"

"Alright tree hugger, I'm taking you to the arcade. Meet me at my house, I'll get my mom to drive us there or something. Got it?"

"Got it."