Fat Girl ✔️

My Goodbye

Ben sat in the nook, flipping through pages of a book. The light from the window shone on his face lovingly, illuminating his eyes.

I gazed at him from the bed, wondering how I got here. I remembered the first time we met, when I thought we'd be nothing more than strangers. When I thought I'd never see him again. Now here he was, reading a book in the corner of the room where I slept. I smiled.

"Tell me more about your Dad."

We'd spent hours simply talking. There was nothing else to do on the farm but talk until you had nothing left to talk about. Secrets slipped from my mouth too easily. I told him about my broken family, about my mother who couldn't hug me, and my stubborn little sister. He knew about Sydney and Bella and everything that happened to me back at school. He'd told me about his family, how he grew up. He told stories of what school was like for him, and how college was so much different. He went to college right by the beach, only twenty minutes down from here. When we'd gotten to the topic of Dad, it was the first time I got quiet. I didn't know what to share about him. Other than that I missed him.

"He was the only person I trusted with all my secrets. The only person I could ever depend on," I said softly. I sat up in the bed, twirling a piece of blanket around my finger. "It's hard to explain."

"You can try," Ben said, closing his book.

"Okay," I answered, thinking to myself. I tried to put words together in my head.

"It's like this... People say love is infinite. But I don't think so. I think there's a finite amount of it given to each person at birth. And that person chooses where to put it for the rest of their life. Some people might split it up between family and friends, some keep it to themselves. I gave almost all of mine to my father. I put it all onto him. And when he died... it was like I had all of this love left over from him. And I had no idea what to do with it. So for the past couple of years it's just been, sort of floating in space, waiting for me to put it somewhere. And sure, there are people that I love. I love my friends and family. But I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I loved my Dad. It was a ginormous amount of love. And that huge pile is just sitting out there, and it might be out there for the rest of my life because I can't find someone who I love as much as I loved him."

I let out a breath, all of that out in the universe. I hadn't realized I felt that way until I said it. Ben was quiet. He looked out the window for a moment. 

"You can't put that love into yourself?"

I stopped. Ben stared back at me expectantly. I blinked, thinking about it for a moment. But before I could answer, Martha burst through the door.

"Ellie," She said, almost out of breath from climbing the steps. "Your ride's here."

"You're leaving?" Ben asked, standing up from the nook. I grabbed my crutches from the side of the bed, standing up as Martha left the room.

"I'm sorry. I should've told you. Fall Break is almost over, and my Mom will be home soon, so..." I trailed off, watching as Ben nodded reluctantly. He came to the bed next to me, helping to lift me onto my crutches.

"No, I get it. You can't stay her forever."

"I can't."

***

"You've been a doll to have around the house. Promise you'll come and visit sometimes, sweetheart?" 

Martha followed me through the dining room, Ben trailing behind.

" I promise." I put the last few things into my bag. " This is it?"

Martha nodded. " Everything else was ruined in the crash."

I got onto my crutches and pushed open the door. A cool breeze met me, and I shivered.

Out on the curb, a small car awaited me. I stopped on the front porch, staring out at it. The driver's door opened, and a small girl with dark brown hair stepped out.

"Bella," I said.

She waved at me from the car, and soon enough she was running up to greet me. Awkwardly, she gave me a smile.

"I'm glad you called," She said. She was dressed in a plain blue sweater and jeans, back in her signature glasses. Her bright makeup was gone, replaced by here old attire.

"Me too."

"So much has happened since you've been gone," Bella said, carrying my bag to the car, "I'll update you on the way home."

Home. So this was it. The end of the road. I'd run away from my problems, and although I managed to escape them for a week, it was time to go back. I had to face things. Maybe Ben was right. Maybe it was time to give myself the love I deserved.

I gave Martha a hug, promising to write and visit as soon as possible. I thanked Patrick for his hospitality and his messy stitching, and then, turning to Ben...

He approached me as Bella went to the car. He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

"Look, Ellie, I should-"

I cut him off, throwing my arms around him and trapping him in a tight embrace. "Thank you," I whispered against his hair, " For everything."

I pulled away, and Ben seemed dazed. He let me fall to the ground softly, and I leaned back into my crutches.

"I'm sorry again, for the leg, and the whole climbing thing. Stay in touch, okay? If you, uh, ever need help with college admissions, I'm always here."

I smiled softly, but then the image of a sweet blonde girl at the dining room table made it falter. I squeezed his arm one last time before turning to the car.

"See you, El."

I paused at the name he gave me. I remembered Blake calling me that once, a nickname I hadn't heard in a long time. I turned back, and took a mental image of what I saw. Ben stared back at me, his messy brown curls dancing in the wind. He crossed his arms over his body and smiled at me.

"Bye, Ben."