When Best Friends Kiss

Before the Kiss - Part 2

After Liam punched Raphael, the jerk didn't mess with me again. But I suppose the incident got my mom and Liam's parents rethinking about what would be best for us.

"What do you think of going to a public not Catholic school instead of a Catholic one?" my mom asked at the end of grade 5. My immediate impulse was to reject the idea since I did not want to be separated from my best friend. But as my mom continued, I calmed down. "I was talking to Liam's parents, and we think it might be better. You two can have a different environment. Maybe make more friends. Some exciting changes are coming to the Santos' lives too. Being in a public school will take off some burden."

I didn't understand what my mom was talking about but didn't mind changing schools as long as I could stay with Liam. It was right before grade 6 that I learned the "exciting change" was Liam's mom being pregnant. Liam spent more time at my house while his parents prepared for his baby sister. My mom came to check on the two of us often. Clueless little me didn't know why she was suddenly making a rule to keep my door open when Liam was there.

I didn't want Liam to have to keep defending me from bullies who teased me about my "girly" speech and gestures. It wasn't fair to him if I was his only friend. So when we changed schools for grade 6, I decided to act and talk more masculine. Liam had to have noticed, but he never said anything. He was probably also glad to be able to make more friends. We were a close group of four: Liam Santos, Alex Camejo, Jeremy Turner, and Kareem Shawar.

Kareem was a Black kid who, like me, got special praise for his intelligence. It was nice to have a friend who could relate to my melanin-related experiences. He was also a follower, simply because he hated standing out and loathed conflict. When everyone started wearing yellow Livestrong bracelets, he bought two. And if Jeremy wanted to debate about who the prettiest Disney girl was, Kareem would shrug and let Jeremy win.

Jeremy was a white kid who made truthfully funny jokes and had a lot of "adult" knowledge for some reason. He was the leader and the piece keeping us from being a group of dorks. Neither he nor Kareem were Harry Potter or fantasy fans, but I didn't mind those interests only being between Liam and me. Liam was probably also glad to be able to make more friends. I was certain that had not "man" and "dude" become a regular part of my vocabulary, we wouldn't be the close group of four that we were for the next three years.

The same way puberty doesn't happen overnight, realizing you're gay doesn't either. Things happen gradually, no matter how much in denial you are. But there's definitely an epiphany moment that makes you go, "Okay, this is real. This is who I am for the rest of my life." For me, that moment ironically happened shortly after I turned 13.

No, it wasn't seeing all my male peers changing for P.E. in the locker rooms. Please, those boys were nothing impressive. No, it wasn't realizing that I did, in fact, want Liam to touch my tamale. And, no, it was not having a homoerotic wet dream. That wouldn't happen for another year.

It was noticing that I had spent 30 minutes Googling pictures of Ryan Gosling shirtless and three DracoxHarry fanfics deep that I realized, "Okay, yep. I am very gay."

Overwhelming guilt and confusion floated around my head. Was I a sinner? Was I broken? Whose fault was it that I was gay? Was it anyone's fault? Wasn't it okay for me to be the way God made me?

I cried for about three days. My Catholic Venezuelan family would bug me even more if they knew, the older generation definitely gossiping about how "Alejandro" was gay and we've known it all along and we must save him from the fiery pits of Hell. I looked online and saw horror stories of kids being sent to counselors and conversion camps and entire churches praying over them. It was terrifying. However, I also saw a lot of hope. People (including Christians) saying I wasn't doomed to Hell and that it gets better. After a week, my spirits were back up. But was I going to come out? God no. I kept up the bro act in front of my peers and everything was good.