Thirty-One Letters

Five

Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place—Sarah Dessen

"Mom!  Dad, look at me!"

Hadley grinned broadly towards the shore where her parents watched from the safety of the sand. She stood up on her surfboard for the very first time unassisted.  She wobbled, unsteady, as the gently lapping waves surged towards the shore but managed to stay up.  That was until Tanner came and splashed at her, causing her to lose her balance and tumble mercilessly into the water.

When she broke the surface of the water, coming up for air, she found him laughing.  His young face was wide with a smile that stretched his lips and his eyes were lit with mirth.  Still, she could see the jealousy.  He'd never gotten up on a wave before by himself and Hadley knew he was eager to prove that he could do it too.

"Hey!" she complained, her voice admonishing.  "That wasn't nice."

Tanner only laughed again and sent a stream of water jetting towards her.  Already soaking, it did little to her appearance, but it did succeed in fuelling the fire in her little six-year-old body.  She could feel the edge of competition searing through her veins and before she was fully aware of the decision to launch a counter-attack, her hands were already pushing back a splash of water.

Then, as the water dripped out of his hair and into his eyes, Hadley was the one who was laughing.

Hadley could hear her parents yelling at the two of them, more in joy than in anger.  They were all giggling and their sides were cramped from the laughter but Hadley had never felt more loved.  Even as Tanner shoved her underwater and she pulled him in after her, she felt only joy. 

And then it changed.

Her sides were no longer cramped from laughter but terror.  The smile on her face was replaced by a worried frown.  Her fingers and toes were not wrinkled from being in the water too long but rather cold with fear.  She was no longer six-year-old Hadley who'd been playing in the water without a care in the world.  She was now seventeen-year-old Hadley who was crippled with dread.

Hadley's eyes canvased the water but Tanner was nowhere to be found.  He'd just been there, she was sure of it.  But she couldn't see him.  Couldn't hear him.

"Tanner?!" she yelled.  "Tanner, where are you?"

There was no response.  The only thing she heard was the roar of the waves as they increased their tempo, beginning to crash instead of roll into shore. 

"Mom?  Dad?  Do you see Tanner?  Where's Tanner?"

Hadley looked towards the shore but there was no one there.  The beach lay empty, not so much as a footprint in sight.  The house seemed a million miles away where it sat far up away from the beach. It was a distant image that she had no hope of reaching.

Her hair dripped water droplets down her face.  She twisted and turned, eyes searching desperately in the water for any sign of her brother.  She could feel him in her soul, feel some emotional tether to him snap and shatter into a thousand shiny pieces and cried out his name again, confusion and uncertainty giving rise to desperation.

"Tanner!  I can't find you!  Where are you?"

Then, he was there and he'd grown up as she had.  No longer a six-year-old boy but a young man.  He was floating in the water, peaceful, with his eyes open towards the sky.  Hadley felt a rush of relief as she reached out to touch him.  He was skin was oddly pale considering the fact that he practically lived outdoors on the beach.  Her hand closed around his wrist and he was so cold and his eyes were staring up without blinking and Hadley realized too late and—