Words I'll Never Say

♥{100} I Saw Him

October 15th 2017, 04:45

I saw him yesterday and it was no surprise at all. What did surprise me though, was myself.

I was nervous, not going to lie about that. I was nervous about seeing him after all this time because every time I do, I find myself falling for him again and again, and each time a bit more than the last. Just like an addiction.

I was afraid he'd hear my heart thundering in my rib-cage, yearning to reach for him from across the table.
I was terrified he'd catch me staring at him.
And what if I blurted out an 'I miss you'? What if I actually did miss him?
I keep telling my friends that I'm over him, that I've let go, maybe because I'm not seeing him every day anymore. But what if I actually haven't moved on?

I don't know how to be casual around him. I don't know how to have a conversation about nothing when every word he used to say to me was everything. I don't know how to not stare when he walks into the place. I don't know how to focus on anything else when he's there. I don't know how to pretend like we never happened. I don't know how to pretend he's no different than any other person. And I don't know how long I can keep pretending.

Nothing upsets me more than the thought of suffering the indignity of being downgraded to 'just friends'. It kills me that I'm no longer the person he tells all his secrets to. But it's nothing compared to the slow agonizing death of being close to him when I know in my heart I'm no longer close to him at all.

With every passing minute, my anxiety was increasing. Until my eyes finally fell on him.

He still likes a grand entrance along with flashing that signature smirk of his-some things never really change. Now at first, I was a bit taken aback by his presence, although I knew he was going to be there, but perhaps because a part of me wished he wouldn't be able to make it.

Then he sat straight in front of me.

Okay, why is my body still functioning on normal rates? Why am I not hyperventilating?

My fears and anxieties came crashing down, and were replaced by nothing but... numbness.

My heart no longer races when I see him, I no longer run out of breath, my palms do not get sweaty, my knees do not get weak, nor do I let fear control my senses. The butterflies in my stomach turned into bees, and the look of admiration turned into a look of disgust. I am numb to him. I am over him and no, not because I am under the spell of new love, because I'm not, but perhaps because I finally accepted the truth that's been in front of me the whole time but I had chosen to ignore it... He didn't deserve me.

And it is now that I realised why love sucks so much. Because you expect the darkest star to light up your whole night's sky. Because you will set expectations for someone you know doesn't give half a damn about you, and then you will continuously be disappointed, because the image you created of them in your head is nothing like the person who's standing in front of you.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell my heart beats for these days. But it isn't him, not anymore.

Now he's just another part of my past, a memory more faded every day.

~ Zeina