In Your Dreams

Chapter 14: Stars

The grass stops rustling. "Jessie?" Chris comes closer and his surprise shifts to concern. "Are you okay?"

"I—" Panic rises in my throat and I feel myself choke up again.

Chris lowers beside me and I burst into tears. I don't know who moves first, but suddenly his arms are around me and I'm leaning over, sobbing into his shoulder, not caring how much I'm shaking or how loud I am.

I know I'm wallowing but I don't want to leave this place, this room in my mind where I let myself flip through pictures of Mom and Dad, their arms around me, the joy in their eyes. Chris' hold tightens for a moment as he moves from a crouch to sitting, bringing his shoulder up so I can rest my head as I cry. A cool breeze hits us, contrasting with the body heat radiating where his arms cross my back. The crickets turn up the volume on their ubiquitous orchestra and I close my eyes, my thoughts blending together in my mind. For a moment the crickets sound close, then far, then close, then far. Exhausted, I sink deeper into the Earth, tension leaving my body.

Chris picks up on the mood change and loosens his arms, giving me options. Something brushes against my back and I feel his arm go up, as though he's reaching for something.

I sit up, catching Chris as he wipes under his eye. "Hey, is something wrong?"

Chris lifts his arm over my head and rubs his eyes with both hands. "Oh, man. Just having a bad day." His voice softens. "But don't worry about me. Are you okay?"

I open my mouth to ask if he's really okay, but something tells me he prefers to keep the focus off himself. "I'm better now. Thanks."

"I know we're kind of still getting to know each other, but if you want to, we can talk."

I pause. "It's okay. But thank you." I appreciate his offer, but..."There are some things I just can't talk about."

Chris nods. "Fair enough. I wouldn't want to talk about it either."

"Hey!" I nudge him, a smile breaking across my face. "You offered!"

"No!" he protests, laughing. "I meant that if something made me like that, I might not want to get into it. I'm just trying to show my support."

I take a deep breath. "Thanks."

The smile drops from his face. "Seriously. Are you sure you're okay?"

I stare back at him, his gaze holding mine. "Yeah, thank you."

There's concern on his face. "No problem. Any time." His eyes widen. "I mean, I don't want you to feel like this all the time. I'd feel bad." He shakes his head. "Not that it matters if I feel bad — I meant for your sake, so that you don't have to feel bad."

A tickle starts deep in my chest and I give into it, bursting out laughing. Chris runs his hand through his hair and then starts laughing too. "I'm not articulating well tonight, am I?"

"I know what you mean." I wipe at my eyes, which are brimming for happy reasons now too. "I mean, not that you're being inarticulate ­­– I mean that I understand the intention." Now we're laughing harder. "I think it's safe to say you're saying the right things."

"Well, if I helped in any way, that's good."

My gaze falls to the tear stains on Chris' shirt. I remember how he said he held me while I cried in our dream in that desert. All of this seems so familiar to me now – is that why it feels so normal?

A shout sounds in the distance and Chris glances in its direction. "I told you I come here when I want to think. It looks like you like the place too."