Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Hospital Appointment

I've never been the kind of person to pity myself; or resent anyone that had anything better than me. But it seemed like everybody around me was doing these things that deserved punishment, and I was being blamed for their mistakes.

Like that girl there, I thought, as I walked past her in the shopping centre. She had a skirt that nearly didn't exist it was so short, the hem only just covering what should only be imagined, her top so low cut her enormous bosom was protruding over the top like some helium filled space balloons. Why did I have this word, this enigma of horror hanging over my head when she, that little slut was able to carry about her life without a care in the world. 

And him! I thought angrily as I pushed through the queue waiting for ice cream, he was stood at the boundary to the childrens playground smiling and waving at the children, who in their innocence, waved back without a care in the world. I stormed past. 

Pedophiles and prostitutes deserved to live when I didn't. 

Man- I really was having a down day. I hadn't had this bad a mood swing since I did my second round of kimo, lost every hair on my head and realised my tumour wasn't getting any smaller. I noticed also, I was becoming a recluse. A social abnormality, I was pale from hiding in my bedroom, I was tired from spending all my time stalking Sophie on the Internet to see when I'd get a notification that she'd changed her relationship status to 'with Riley'. 

And that's another person who deserved this more than me! Him; Riley... 

He had lied and cheated on an truly beautiful woman, taken her innocence in his stride, and then slept with someone else breaking her heart. Whereas I would never hurt her in that way, never break her heart; never break anyone's heart.

Except you were oh so innocent, made her cling to you for support. The kind and wise old Lukas, the perfect and dependable friend. The savior. Except nothing prepared her for your self pitying side, did it? Mr dependable, so dependable you cut yourself rather than tell her what was wrong. And you didn't tell her about your cancer; and now your going to die and she'll never know. 

I felt that bombshell drop like a thousand lead balloons into my stomach. I hadn't realised why I was so angry before, never realised it was because I was angry at myself. Because I was the reason this had happened, this was my fault. I was getting bitten on the ass by Karma because I couldn't be a man and tell the woman I loved the truth.

I looked down at my phone, at the texts from Sophie and how kind and sweet she'd been to me. About how lovely and sweet I was, about how she was so glad she had me. I started typing delicately a little worried about what I should say. I wasn't quite sure what I should tell her, or what I should say. I didn't know how to tell her about what I had now. 

Hey Sophie. U k? 

I toyed with the idea of putting a kiss, but I couldn't imagine how she would take that. I didn't want her thinking we would go back to the way we were, no matter how much I wanted to. There was something amazingly strange about texting her after all this time; it felt euphoric. 

Almost immediately I got a reply. 

Lukas :) Yh I'm gd ta, you? Where u been, nobody's seen u in ages... xx 

I replied with a hollow feeling. I didn't like to lie, but how could I tell her the truth. Over text, I'd seen the horror on her face when she'd thought I'd shaved my hair off. How would she react knowing I had lost it to some greater and demonic force, that it hadn't been a choice but an omen of what was yet to come. 

"Lukas! Honey, we have got to go to the hospital! What are you doing out here?" I saw my mum running with her shawl draped around her. She'd never been a small woman, but she was now only slightly more than curvy. Her face thinner and her waist smaller from the stress of not sleeping and the grief of knowing I could be close to death.