Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Growing Up

It was hard for the few days after. I spent a lot of time at the hospital even though he wasn't their anymore, I liked to help out around there and meet the people he'd spoken to. There was a nurse who was devastated by his death, she said he used to talk about me a lot, which upset and gratified me.

I took the children in the cancer ward teddy-bears that I'd had as a child, if I didn't need them then at least those kids could have them. They could love those bears, hug and cuddle them, sleep with them as a pillow and tell them their secrets. Just like I did. Nicky went back to America, but he'd intentionally emailed me everyday since and I missed him like crazy. I made it up to Lukas' Mum too, I bought her some flowers, and apologised for those things I'd said. 

I still wrote letters to my Dad, but I didn't need to anymore. Now, there really just general life and asking him to take care of Lukas wherever they were. I'd never been  religious, I'd never really believed in anything. And yet losing both my Dad and Lukas in the space of two years felt like it had destroyed me. But I also knew there must be something beyond our realm, past what we called reality, because I could feel it; I could feel them watching over me.

I started working at the dress shop again, and donated my prom dress  to a homeless shelter for a girl who wanted to go to her prom like a princess, rather than wearing tatty clothes like she'd always worn to school.

But I have to face the music...

Today's the day, I thought grimly as I pushed the black and silver flower into my hair. I felt the comb cut into my head slightly before I let the pressure go and it rested in my fringe. I was wearing a black dress with black shoes. It was plain and simple, I didn't want to fuss and have a big show. I knew Lukas wouldn't either.

Mum came to the funeral, Luka's Mum, The Doctor (Who's name was Eric, like Riley's step Dad) and then my Mum and me. We sat in the front row, which was strange. I could tell the experience was badly effecting my Mum, because she had gone through the same thing with my Father.

They're were three hymn's sung and I was surprised by the amount of people who showed up. Riley and Imogen sat together, Riley annoyed he'd given Lukas so much grief when he'd been been alive, Imogen sad that I'd lost someone as dear to me as Riley was to her. Courtney and Scott were finally an item, and Courtney cried into his shoulder as he sang in his gruff bass voice. There were various other people from school. Some people he'd spoken to in maths class, people he'd met when trawling the park. The Nurse was there too, and a couple other children who had been in the same children's hospital as him when he'd first gone in.

They brought the coffin in to the sounds of his favourite song, something mellow by an exotic band that nobody had ever heard of, I smiled, I'd always taken the mick out of him for his strange and unique taste in music. I didn't cry too much when they carried him in, I had that sudden realisation that somebody I loved and cherished was in a box... 

It was strange, and terrifying. To think somebody so young, someone younger than me had died. Had had something so terrible happen to them, especially when there were people so bad, and yet this happened to someone so good.

The wake was beautiful, and the burial. I only stayed for a moment by his new graveside, not wanting to interrupt his families time to say goodbye. I placed my bouquet in the shape of a heart and went home with a numb feeling in my heart again. It was like I had lost the ability to feel the pain over his death. I blamed the fact that I'd done enough grieving for my Dad, and that he wouldn't want me to be unhappy.

When I left Lukas' Mother, teary eyed and thinner than I remembered passed me a letter. With panic rising in my throat I wondered why the imposter of my father would give her a letter to give to me. I looked at the writing, the same swirly scrawl that wrote my name and terrified me.

"Lukas asked me to give this to you if anything happened" I took it with a sense of danger building within me. Lukas, my Lukas had been the one sending the letters. All this agony and torturous fright, and all the time it had been Lukas; somebody I didn't need to be afraid of.

I went home, ate lunch, watched cartoons, then I went to bed.

I opened the letter with shaky hands. I smiled as I read it, relief spreading throughout my body as I read. A sense of sadness and guilt smothering me, he'd done all this for me. The letters were actually symbols of love. (That took me a while to get my head around too)

I  still have that letter, tucked under my pillow. Three years since my story began.

I'd been through pain and emotional meltdown, suffered teenage drama and boyfriend issues, been through three brilliant guys, met the best person of my life, loved and lost, smiled and cried, yelled and laughed, and reconciled friendships I was sure I had lost. A lot of which I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done without you, Daddy. So this is for you, the story of me, your daughter and how I learned about your death.

Everything I have or ever will achieve is because you have always been there for me. And I know I've never and will never be alone. Because Daddy, when I feel sad and depressed, I think of you and Lukas, and how remarkable you were. Are. And how I'll be able to keep going in your memory, as a testament to you I'll never stop chasing my dreams, and never give up on what I want.

I know you'd never want me to give up; either of you. So look after each other and hopefully one day I'll see you again. I love you both, and goodbye. Thank you.