I Can't Think Inside This Box! a book about autism

my qualifications

Hi, it's me, your friendly neighborhood autistic person. I wanted to write "it me" like that meme but I thought people might think it was a typo and correct me and I'd have to explain it and oh shit I'm overthinking again, aren't I!

So welcome, thanks for coming to my TED talk about autism and other neurodiverse things.

I don't even actually know what that means; I see it on Twitter though and I'm good at copying things to fit in. 😊

That's a joke (we do get jokes, shocker!).

So, me. At the time of this writing it is early 2022 and I am technically an adult, though no matter how old I am chronologically, I often feel around maybe twenty five or thirty in my mind. I am autistic and have ADHD as well as a myriad of other stuff.

Lots of sensory issues, so everything's too loud and too bright and too annoying and too scratchy and too tight or too loose. It's fun. My daughter has these things too, and is also intellectually gifted, in the literal sense. This makes us "twice exceptional"; when a person is advanced in one or more areas and delayed in others. 

Giftedness actually often goes hand-in-hand with autism and that is just beginning to be more recognized. It often goes unrecognized due to lack of knowledge and all the other things interfering if the person is otherwise neurodivergent.

Some of our delays include emotional and social . . . my daughter is ten but emotionally around seven or eight. At the same time her brain is often thinking teenager (and sometimes adult) ideas and thoughts. When they did her autism testing at just six, they did IQ testing as well, and she's the first child they ever had who got through all the teenager and adult questions. She didn't get all of them right, of course, but enough of them right. At the time she was selectively mute and did not talk to anyone outside of immediate family members, so she whispered answers to me, and luckily she is a loud whisper are so the psychologist could hear the answers. 😌

She is amazing, and kind, and empathetic, and can look people in the eyes *GASP* I know, I know, it's shocking. I for one hate eye contact unless I know you very well and am comfortable with you, and even then, meh. It's so invasive and personal. Just weird. I don't want to see your soul, thanks.

But we're both hugely oversensitive (I'll get into that as it's also really common) and even overly empathetic. A myth about autism is we don't have empathy. There are different kinds of empathy, and I'll explore those at some point, but in general we have abnormal amounts of it, usually. Either too much or too little but these are of course generalizations and not true of everyone. 

I personally have wayyyy too much of all the empathies. I can get weepy watching an old man walk down the road because I start thinking how he probably feels, and how he's probably all alone and no one helps him with dinner and he probably needs clean sheets but he won't wash them . . . yeah, my mind never shuts the hell up. 

My daughter told me at seven "my brain is always thinking, even when other people are talking to me there are so many things I'm thinking hard about, I can't usually hear you or listen."

You and me both, kid. 

We both have severe anxiety and I have severe depression; her anxiety is much better since she's been taken off gluten/soy/dyes, to which she's highly intolerant. We're both medicated and that helps a lot.

I used to teach special ed preschool and kindergarten (and subbed up to seventh grade) so I've always been around kids with extra needs and especially autism. I didn't get my own diagnosis until I was an adult but it was a huge relief because I've always been so quirky and different and struggled to fit in and understand people. Now I know I can't understand them because my brain just doesn't work like theirs. 

I love the way my brain is wired, even if it's unconventional and a huge pain to me sometimes. Autistic people tend to have "special interests" (*cough* obsessions *cough*) and that's always been fun for me. I love to learn about things and will research the hell out of any subject that interests me. Then I will probably want to tell you about it, not to show off what I know but because I hope you'll love it or be interested in it too. I have a crazy memory (same with my kid) and don't really forget anything I've learned so it's cool. 

Until the pandemic anyway, which has messed with my mind as much as it has everyone else's.

I would never be the writer I am without my quirks and the way my brain works, and I love writing more than almost anything. Without it I don't know what I would do.

I'm really good with kids and animals, and people affected by trauma. I've always had a strong connection with animals and they have always approached me, especially if they're in need of help. I give off some Dr. Doolittle vibe lol. It happens all the time. Birds walk up and sit on my foot. The neighborhood crows recognize me at the store and hang out around my car. Lost dogs step in front of me in the road.  I mean that in itself has happened a dozen times. I've found chickens just chilling on the sidewalk that escaped their coops. I brought home a stray mama cat and four kittens from the bank parking lot and here we all are four years later, still together We're talking everyday occurrences here. 

So that's cool. A lot about autism is cool. Hyperfocusing on things can be a good thing. If people would just stop expecting us to act like everyone else, that would be great. 

There are a lot of bonuses as well as struggles. I have little patience and tolerance for stupidity or ignorance, and it's very difficult for me to pretend otherwise, which can be rude (duh). I've worked my whole life on it, heh. Now I've learned to just stay away from such people or from such social media triggers.

Wow I'm still talking . . . anyone who knows me knows how I am about that lol. I love Wattpad and social media because writing things out is ideal for me. I can think before I write, see it in writing, try to make sure it's not rude or too weird (hahaha it's usually too weird probably), think about it some more, and then finally send. Texting, too; I don't even use my phone for talking. Like there are eight ways to get ahold of me without calling; do those.

Here's hoping any of this makes sense and is interesting or informative or relatable. Thanks for reading!