I Can't Think Inside This Box! a book about autism

doing stuff and downtime

It's often hard for me to do things. It's like social anxiety on steroids, crossed with an almost indescribable feeling of recalcitrance (aka I-don't-wanna).

For instance going to the store is a huge chore. First of all, I'm a visual person, so I see and think in all images (yes, just like Temple Grandin!). And I have to think about something and walk through it in my mind before doing it (so going new places is really, really, really difficult). 

So first I think about driving to the store, and where I'll park (because it's always in the same row) and then getting a cart, walking in, etc. I can see doing all of those things, and in that way it preps me for actually doing them.

I get dressed (at home it's pajamas all the way), which in itself is sometimes a bitch because even though I have literally three outfits I wear, the thing that felt comfortable last time may feel wrong this time. I have a lot of trouble figuring out what people wear in general and have no grasp on fashion. Never have. Used to copy everyone just fine in school, but I'm always perplexed by clothing and what to wear or buy.

It's hard to explain, there's just no concept of if shorts should be long or short or what shirts can be worn with a skirt or what to wear with leggings and yoga pants. . . I always wear a tank top (I have the same one in seven colors) and flip flops.

Year-round flip flops. 

Oops off topic. So, I get dressed. Do something with my hair which is too long and often curly and drives me nuts if I leave it down usually. Then I have to detach myself from my daughter, because she's with me 24/7 when not st school (she goes to a school for autistic kids which is amazing).

I always go to the grocery store alone because honestly, going just myself is hard enough.

So I go to the store. I park in the row I like, or if there are no spots, I park somewhere and wait for one in that row. 

A lot of us have compulsions, and I have some mild OCD. It hurts my brain to park somewhere else. That's as best as I can put it. If I was in a hurry (I rarely go in a hurry because it's too stressful), and had to park in another row, I could. It would then feel like a part of my brain was put in backwards because my routine is to park in the other row.

Tiring, huh? And we're not even in the store yet.

In the store it's the same aisles in the same order, every time. Even if I don't need anything in that aisle, I go down it if I have time. I don't go up the down aisles or vice versa. ROUTINE, people. It's life.

I shop, I have my earbuds in (twenty one pilots playing) and this helps make me invisible. People don't usually disturb someone with headphones. Of course I always shop at this store so if I see an employee I know, I have to take them off and chat, which is usually fine for a minute or two. I have their names and kids' names filed away and quickly access them and ask the appropriate questions and give the appropriate answers. It's mostly part of the routine.

I have about a gallon of social energy and it's slowly sucked dry as I maneuver through the store. 

By the time I get to the checkstand, I'm exhausted. Like mentally and emotionally. I get the groceries on the belt and start thinking about bagging, paying, talking to the checker, walking out to the car while balancing the bags on the cart, opening the trunk, putting the bags in, returning the cart, getting in, driving home, unloading the bags . . . . . . . . .

Exhausted.

And I'm a high-energy person. I'm fully awake the second I wake up, and have a lot of trouble sitting still unless I'm writing. This is not so much a physical exhaustion but it can be if I get too mentally/emotionally worn out.

Most things are like this. And if something goes wrong, like the car won't start? Depending on what kind of day I'm having, it can either throw off my whole day or take me an hour to get past it, because in my head the car is supposed to start so I can continue what I have already walked through in my head.

I neeeeeed down time. Lots of it. I need quiet and sitting alone, which isn't always an option.

But when I do get it, it helps. If I don't get it, my brain soon gets chaotic and then I can't really hear what people are saying once it gets past a certain point. Words just become noise, like my brain is a glass that's full and the input just overflows it without any going in the glass. 

When I say "I can't really hear you right now" my family knows I'm overloaded.

And talking to people irl, ugh, it's just hard. I don't like looking at faces or eyes and I don't recognize people; I have that face blindness thing that Brad Pitt has (prosopagnosia) so I don't know someone's face until I've seen them half a dozen times. Awkward when people know me and talk to me and I have nooooo idea who they are, unless they have a distinguishable physical characteristic like blue hair or something. My daughter has this too.

Then there's the talking. I don't know what someone might say, and due to audio processing issues, it takes my brain a few seconds to process the words I'm hearing, much like translating something into a second language in your head or vice versa. So after a minute or two of them talking, I begin to lose what they're saying next because I'm still "translating"/comprehending about the first part. This makes talking on the phone really difficult too.

Also, I just need the damn social script before I have the conversation, is that too much to ask?😀