My Parents are Gay

Peter Banjamin Parker

Narrator's POV

"Dad spiders have no bones." Peter said popping his head out of a science book.

"Mhm." Tony said, cutting the crust off his peanut butter jelly sandwich. He sensed something as the room was suddenly quiet. He looked up, Peter was gone. "Peter?" He asked.

"I'm HuMaN sLiMe." Peter said as he bent himself backwards, hissing.

"PETER BEN-"

///0///0

"No, no. It was cool Dad. I webbed in there, and he was all like "KNIFE TO MEET YOU". He stabbed me, and I was like whoa! Nice one! And th-"

"You got stabbed?" Tony asked, peeking his head up from the part he was currently working on.

"Well yeah but like hE MADE A PUN DAD."

"Loki!" Stephen roared from another ion.

///0///0

"So if you're basically swinging around, and you fall, you can just use your webs to catch yourself right?" Ned asked, sitting slouched on the couch playing video games next to Peter.

"Yeah?" Peter answered unsure of where this was going.

"So that means you could potentially safely do a backflip off the Empire State Building."

Peter eyes lit up. "Ye-"

Tony bursted through the door. "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

///0///0

"It's been four years since my drug addicted mother sold me to one direction." Peter said, wearing pink stripped sunglasses with a blue scarf and a top hat.

"Omg. We're so proud of you." Ned said, doing a head stand against the wall.

Peter let his stare drop to the floor and raised a fist.

Tony watched the live feed from Peter's room in the kitchen. "What the goddamn f-"

///0///0

"I was thinking about going to the grocery store later today to buy some more milk." Stephen said in the kitchen as he and Tony were making lunch.

Peter was across from them, cutting an apple with a knife, or trying. The knife got stuck in the apple, so he tried slamming it with his hand; but the knife flew into the air and fell on Peter's foot.

Stephen and Tony look his direction suddenly.

"Friday, activate big off protocol." He said.

///0///0

"This is so romant-" Stephen was interrupted by Tony's phone.

Tony answered it. "What is it Peter?" He asked.

"Dad I need you to come immediately." Peter said, sounding distressed. Tony looked at Stephen, and they got up from their table, ending their date shortly.

 "On our way."

They arrived five minutes later at the house, ready to take on anything that might be hurting their son. Peter ran to them.

"What's wrong?" Tony asked.

"There's a really big spider in the bathroom."

"YOU'RE SPIDER-MAN." Stephen said.

///0///0