His Dark Words

O8 | Wicked Games

There's a place deep inside my mind where I keep my dad. I keep him away from my heart, out of my mind, somewhere where he can't take over and bring my world to a crashing halt. He isn't well. He hasn't been well since before I was born. I used to always be able to make him smile when I was little... I don't know when that changed. But now, if I think about it for too long I feel as breathless, as powerless as Book-Boy says he feels. 

But something has changed. 

Maybe it's me? It seems to be... At school things between me and Alex are weird now. Even though we promised to forget about it there's this unspoken barrier between us. Even Vanessa feels distant. Or maybe it's me who's distant... I feel like I'm losing control of the people in my life... Not that I try to control them, it's more like my connection to them all is slipping... Like the invisible lines that link us all are loosening, becoming untethered and flying out too quickly for me to reel them back in.

Sitting in geography class I feel a sharp sting of panic. I must've drifted to sleep, lulled by Mr. Sedaris' monotone droning. He had been saying something about the breaking up of Pangaea and that had filtered into my dream. I imagined I saw everyone; Alex, Vanessa, Mom and Dad, the faceless Book-Boy all on separate continents, being dragged away from me by a force strong enough to topple mountains.

I clutch at my throat.

"Miss Riley... Miss Riley are you okay?"

I can't breathe.

"Can someone take her to the nurse?" Mr. Sedaris asks, more bewildered than concerned.

Vanessa is instantly at my side, pulling me up out of my seat and steering me out of the classroom. We echo through hallway after hallway. At any moment I feel like my lungs will explode or I'll faint...

"You had a panic attack." Explains the nurse, in a careless, matter-of-fact voice. She leans back from where I'm sitting on the hospital bed they have installed in her narrow, pokey office. "Have you had one before?"

I shake my head, feeling cold, drained.

"Well, I suggest you see your doctor about it. He can get you on some anti-anxiety meds. For now, just stick your head between your legs and breathe."

She pushes my head down firmly, which if anything makes me feel worse. Nurse Banner is one of those rough 'get over it' kind of nurses. She's broad with thick fingers, grey streaked hair and a plain, hard-featured face. She's wearing a white nurse's uniform that looks like she got it from a Halloween store.

"You can stay here for ten minutes or so then head back to class. This isn't a hotel." She crossly twitches back the curtain and starts to loudly sort through her instruments.

Vanessa moves forward in the plastic seat next to the bed and whispers. "I think she thinks you're faking it."

I sigh.

"Lily Pi fakes them all the time," Vanessa hisses, "but she can make herself cry, it's suuuuper convincing."

It doesn't seem worth it to insist that I wasn't faking it...

"What's up with you at the moment, is it your dad?"

I really don't feel like talking about it, especially right after Vanessa's Lily Pi comment. Was everything just gossip to Vanessa, like the rest of Mont Michel?

"Well, whatever!" She prattles on. "I have something that will cheer you up. Derrick's parents are out of town for a few days and he's throwing a party tonight!"

"A party?" I repeat wearily.

"Yeah! It'll be so much fun! I really think you could use it. Come to mine after school, we can get ready together then you can stay over after?"