His Dark Words

26 | The Boy Behind the Book

After another sickeningly swift journey in my mom's car we pull up as close to the track through the woods as we can.

"Okay guys, let's go!" I say.

My mom just looks at me. "I think you should go on your own Harlow. The things he said in that journal were pretty private. I can't imagine having three people all run up to him at once is what he would want."

"Yeah..." Vanessa agrees, fiddling with a braid. "I mean if he wanted that, he would have just told us what was going on instead of slipping the journal into your bag."

"You mean he wanted me to find out?" I say over my shoulder.

"Well yeah... Until he found out about your Dad I guess."

"He didn't know?" My mom asks.

I shake my head. "I guess we've both been keeping secrets from one another." I sigh then open the door.

"Be careful, Harlow." My mom says before I shut the door. "We'll be waiting here."

And then I'm running through the forest in the last of the evening sunlight. All around me I can hear bird song, the rustling leaves, the rushing water up ahead. 

Everything feels so alive, so essential, all connected by a thread of soul or something, the same thread pulling me to Alex, binding him to me to stop it from snapping. I see him up ahead on the bridge. He is looking out at the sun setting over the water. He is almost hanging out of one of the holes in the covered bridge and I feel a surge of fear. 

Would he jump? 

Is that why he's here? 

I don't stop running, though the muscles in my legs are screaming, though my lungs feel like they could burst. 

He hears my footsteps, looks up, frowns to see me. 

His mouth drops open as he realizes I'm not stopping then I hit him hard, sending us both sailing away from the hole and landing on the floor of the bridge several feet away. It's a miracle we didn't bring the whole bridge down with us.

He groans from the pain of hitting the wood. 

I raise myself up, hovering over him and trapping him with both hands planted firmly either side of him.

"Get off me! What are you doing?" He looks up at me like I'm crazy.

"Stopping you from making a horrible, irreversible mistake!" 

Tears are dropping from my eyes directly down onto his cheeks. 

He blinks at me, seeing I'm serious. "What do you mean?"

"You were going to jump, weren't you?"

He wriggles up then sits in front of me, dazed. "What are you talking about?"

"I know the book is yours, Alex, we went to your house, you were the boy in the rain... It's your grandfather, it's all you, isn't it?"

All the color drains from his face, I feel like I should get used to having this effect on him. 

"So, you finally worked it out..." His voice is toneless, bland.

"You can't do it, Alex, you can't kill yourself!"

He shakes his head. "I don't want to... I swear I don't, it's just... It's so hard, all the time. I've wanted to tell you so many times, but I just couldn't find the words. I thought giving you the journal was a good idea, but I didn't know about your Dad... Then everything got so messed up. I didn't bank on Austin taking an interest in you or Macie needing my help. I thought I could take it all back... Or maybe you'd forget but you never did, you never could... You know I didn't mean those words, even when I wrote them... I just... I just don't want to feel like this anymore." He's sobbing now.

I crawl forward and put my arms around him. "I know... I know..."

Our faces are so close to each other all I can see are his dark eyes, framed by thick lashes and the light sprinkle of freckles on the bridge of his nose. There is so much pain in those eyes. So much pleading, heartbreaking pain. 

I know I can make it better. 

I raise my hand and push back his hair. Surprise flickers across his face. I lean forward and kiss his trembling lips. He falters back, staring at me for a moment, then overwhelmed with emotion he springs forward and we kiss with such desperate passion as if we are each other's oxygen. The tears on both our cheeks mix into one and his arms are around me, running through my hair and down to my waist.

"I... Never... Thought... You... Wanted..." He says between kisses.

"I can fix this... I swear I can..." Comes my breathless answer.

Suddenly he jolts away from me, holding me at arm's length. "What do you mean, Harlow?"

"I... I mean I can help... I can fix you." I stammer.

He closes his eyes frowning, then sits back, away from me. "That's not what I wanted."

I feel for his hand, it's cold and limp at his side, "You don't understand. I made this film, it's every bit of light, every bit of happiness I could find. I can make it better, I can make you better... You just have to see it, it will all make sense when you see it."

He grabs my face between his hands. "Harlow, Harlow stop it! That's not how it works. You can't just do one perfect thing and fix someone. Just like you can't give up your entire self to save someone else. I'm not a project you can work on and make into something else."

"I... I know that... I just know I can make things better. I can stop you from..."

"From what? From killing myself? Harlow I'm not your Dad." He lets me go and goes back to the hole looking out over the gold and orange light reflecting off of the shimmering water below.

"If I jumped would you jump in after me?" He says so softly I can barely hear him.

"I... I..."

"Because that's what you're doing right now."

"I just want to help."

"I made sure you'd find that journal because I needed a friend. My friend. Not to drag you down but to talk to. If I'd known it would tear you apart like this, I never would have done it."

I stand up, shivering despite the warmth of the day still lingering around us. "Is it so wrong of me to want to save you? To want to stop any one from doing what my Dad did to himself?"

He looks at me. "No... But Harlow look what this has done to you. It's consumed you completely, I don't know where the real you is anymore."

"I don't see you as a project. I... I love you, okay? I think I always have I just didn't see it until now." I trail off lamely. 

It sounds so meaningless but it's true. I think I've always thought of him as my Alex. That's why I was so jealous of Macie, not because she had a hold over Austin but because I thought she had a hold over Alex.

"I need you, I want you, but not as some sort of saviour. You want me to be better so badly it's like you're skipping over everything in between. It's so much pressure. To just be better... To be fixed, even when I don't think I'm broken."

"You're not broken..." I go to his side and take his hand. "I never said you were."

"I'm just... Unhappy."

"I know... So am I." Admitting it out loud feels strangely liberating. "I think that's why I've been obsessed with finding you. I was trying to distract myself from... Well, everything. I think... I think we both need help, Alex."

He looks down at my hand with a bittersweet smile, then looks out to the faded brilliance of the sky. "Look."

And I do. 

Together we stand in perfect silence looking out at the immense sky above us as it grows darker and the stars begin to shine their lesser light on the Earth. 

Our hands remain clasped, anchoring us to one another in the darkness...