His Dark Words

10 | What You Need

"What are you doing home?" Mom yawns, switching on the kitchen light. "And oh... my... God what are you wearing?!"

I'd been sitting at the table in the dark after walking all the way back home, alone. I'd meant to go straight to bed... I'm so tired... but I couldn't quite make it up the stairs.

"What happened with Vanessa, did you two fall out?"

"Why would you think that?" I ask, dully.

"Well, a few reasons, one, last I heard you were staying with her tonight, two, you look like a sad baby panda."

I absent-mindedly touch the mascara, eye shadow mess around one of my eyes. "She said I only ever think about myself."

"And that was all of it?" Mom probes, sceptical.

I shrug. 

I don't want to tell her about Derrick or slapping Alex... Especially not slapping Alex.

Mom sighs and sits down opposite me, smoothing the yellow, daisy printed tablecloth pensively, "Harlow..." She says after a drawn-out silence. "I know things have been... Less than ideal for a while now. I know you need to talk about your Dad and to try and make sense of what's happening... And I know that maybe I'm not the best person for you to talk to."

"What do you mean?" I hug my elbows into my sides as if waiting for a blow to hit me.

"Just that a lot has happened between your Dad and I. I know you don't talk about him because it makes me tense and that's just not fair on you."

I stare at her, she looks so uncomfortable. It's weird, she looks almost scared in the cold, electric light of the kitchen. It makes me feel more afraid than ever. I want to curl up into a ball under the table and never move again.

"I think you should go and stay with your grandparents for the weekend."

"You're sending me to Florida... For the weekend?"

"No... Not my parents. Your dad's parents."

"Really?" I reply, incredulous.

We haven't even seen Grandpa Ned and Grandma Martha for years. They live in a tiny town on the shore not so far from Stanhope, but when I was a kid my parents and them had a big falling out and have been on a one-call-a-year basis ever since.

"I'm going to put you on a bus tomorrow morning and they will make sure you get the bus safely back home."

"Wait... You're not coming with me?"

"No, sweetie. I have to work, and I think it'll be good for you to see them without me."

"So, you're sending me away?" My throat tightens, the dream of the continents breaking up comes vividly to the forefront of my mind.

"Not at all! I just... I can see you're suffering baby. I can see how much you need your Dad. I can't do anything about that... Though I've tried... but maybe seeing his parents will help. I think it would be good for you to get out of here, even if it's just for a few days."

"But you don't even like them..."

Mom's face looks strained. "I don't not like them... Things happen between people... Things that build up a wall. Your Dad and I were young when we got together. Your Dad wasn't well... Even back then, but we thought things would be different. Your grandparents wanted to control things and... Well I don't want to get into it. They've always loved you. And your Dad too. I think you'll feel closer to your Dad out there."

I grip my own arm hard. "Closer than him being here in the same town but refusing to see me?"

Tears form instantly in my Mom's eyes and I feel as if I've slapped her too. "I'm sorry..." I breathe. "I'm gonna go to bed."

Mom nods in a little jerk. "Sleep well, honey." Her voice sounds strangled in her throat. "I'll knock on your door pretty early for the bus, I already packed a bag for you."

I don't say anything, just slowly walk upstairs. I go into the bathroom and gradually wipe the makeup off my eyes. I brush my teeth and splash water on my face, but still feel terrible. In my room my bed is neatly made up and there's a bag at the foot of it. 

I stare at it. 

How long has Mom been planning this? Was she just going to show up at Vanessa's tomorrow, roll me out of bed and into the bus like that?

Downstairs the phone rings. What time is it? I look at the alarm clock: it's just past midnight. "Wow... I'm so unbelievably lame... What time did I leave the party?" Knowing Mont Michel the party will just about be getting started now. I probably bailed out around 9.30. I groan aloud. 

Who's calling? Probably my grandparents to say; "upon reflection... We'd rather not have Harlow to stay, thanks!" Or maybe it's Vanessa... Checking if I'm okay... No, she would've texted. Or... Is it Alex? He and Mom are close, maybe he's telling her what I did? What a terrible person I am... I swallow hard, slipping out of my bedroom and over to the stairs. Careful not to make them creak as I tip-toe down part way to sit in the shadows, listening.

"Marcus..." Mom says into the receiver, frustrated. "Marcus slow down, you aren't making any sense. No, you can't see Harlow now... Why? Because it's really late and I'm not waking my kid up to bring her to the hospital only for you to change your mind as soon as we get there... Because it's not fair on her Marcus... You can see her another time when you've calmed down..."

There's a long pause. 

"Marcus! Marcus! You're not making any sense... Yes, I did call your parents... I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but the last time we spoke you told me you never wanted to talk to me again... Well, I can't read your mind Marcus... I know what we agreed but things changed... Martha didn't say that... Because I know she wouldn't say that Marcus. She doesn't hate you. None of us hate you. No, Marcus you need to stay where you are, have you talked to your doctor?" 

Mom's voice is growing more and more intense. 

"Marcus, I'm trying to help you! We're all trying to help you! But you know what? I need help too! I am trying to raise our daughter all by myself! Do you know how hard that is? I can't afford to check out like you have! I know what you're going through is hard but some of us have to keep shit together... No, you aren't Marcus... You aren't... I know exactly what's happening. You're on some manic high where you promise me and Harlow the world then you'll crash back down again and throw us away. I'm sorry but I can't go through this again. I can't put Harlow through that again... Please... Marcus... Stop crying... I need you to call a nurse, can you do that for me, Marcus? Well, then I'm going to hang up and call them myself. It's going to be fine... You aren't alone. I'm going to hang up now..."

I don't want to wait around to hear Mom call back the hospital. I know if I stay she'll hear me crying. I creep back upstairs and pull the covers on my bed up over my head and sob and sob until I feel like my heart will break.