Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

angry emails

Abby left me on her mom's living room floor. I dissociated for about an hour. Then, I picked up my phone. The last time I wrote an email, I was in college.

I clicked on the first "Contacts at Buzzfeed" link that came up on Google. I was presented with eight links.

Advertise On BuzzFeed

Share Tips with Buzzfeed News

Copyright/DMCA Issue

Licensing

Press Relations

Video Feedback

Community Help

Technical Support

I focused on the last two. I couldn't determine whether the uncanny accuracy of Buzzfeed's quiz results was a technical problem or a community one. I decided to send feedback to them both.

Hello,

So, for the last 3-ish weeks, I've taken your quizzes. I'm on to your sick game. I just want to know why you've decided to reveal my future to me. Is it not torment enough to be young and poor in this decade? Why must you taunt me with the fact that I can't change the course of my life as it unfolds before me? Have you no human compassion? You have robbed me of any false hope that otherwise might have sustained me through the rest of my woeful life. I look forward only to being swallowed back up into primordial clay.

Best,

Leela

I pressed the "Send Feedback" button and wandered into Abby's kitchen. I found Abby's bottle of gin and tonic and poured myself a glass. It tasted like how I imagine Canada smells. Fresh. Green. Free. Like the sweet sweat of a lumberjack.

When Abby's mom came home from the grocery store, she found me blaring "Last Christmas" and munching on the slab of stale baking chocolate I found in the pantry.

"One of those days?" She asked, as she put the coffee creamer in her fridge.

"One of those years," I replied.

She steeped a cup of Chai tea and then left me alone in the kitchen. I checked my email.

A response from communityhealth@buzzfeed.com: 

Hello Buzzfeed Community Member,

Thanks for your ~totes BOMB~ feedback. Unfortunately, the whole Buzzfeed team is away for the ~BOTSWANAN SOLAR ECLIPSE~ so nobody is gonna probs answer you for like, a hot second. In the meantime, enjoy this sick meme of Hilary Clinton dabbing while an eclipsed moon dances around her.

LATER DAYS,

Buzzfeed

Beneath the automated message was a gif of Hilary Clinton dabbing while an eclipsed moon danced around her.

I walked to the living room and collapsed onto the shag carpet. I don't remember what I did after that.

***