Midnight Dreams and a Cup of Tea

Done Double Dumped

There are three things I want you to know about my personality:
- I hate conflict, but I'm a salty person so...yeah things happen but often it's lowkey.
- I have back and forth conflict with my own mental health.
- I may be passive-aggressive, but I'm almost never completely angry at anything- especially directed towards someone else. I normally become guilty about what I've previously said.

Long story short, I like to maintain my peace and quiet.

My ex, who I was absolutely infatuated with,  and I were enjoying some of our dates. We went to movies, enjoying a day at the park near our neighborhoods, and chowed at local restaurants (often fast food since we were both too broke to afford fancy locations). Dates didn't happen too often though since there were some circumstances preventing me from really going out often, but when those dates do happen, it literally feels like the greatest time of my life.

I was, no doubt about it, head over heels for him. For the first time in a long time, someone was capable of bringing out hope and happiness in my life. As cheesy and cliche as it sounded, it really brings light to my depression.  

Somedays, I would not even want to get out of bed because of how sickly I feel, and the pain from my scoliosis never really helps with the situation. To actually want to have fun without a single worry of something going wrong, it's almost like I died and reincarnated into some other world. It's so rare for something like that to occur. He was the calm to my storm, but eventually, it overwhelmed him. I can't say that I blame him for any of it.

The inability to have dates often. Unable to handle my mental health instability.

It was a mutual split, but all in all, it still hurt.

The day of the split, one of my friends came up to me and told me she liked him (my ex). Of course, I didn't mind too much since technically I'm no longer his girlfriend- hence he could honestly do whatever he wants. I don't really control him, but since I don't have much connection or reason to, I'm definitely not going to get into his business. However, I was very much shocked and hurt to find that he had moved on only three days later with her, and I was pissed that my friend didn't give us enough time to really transition into becoming friends.

I went off on my ex for not giving us enough time to heal, especially when he still wants us to be friends. I will admit, some of the stuff I had said was extremely harsh. Could've gone a little calmer about the subject but my mind was almost completely clouded over by the intense anger I felt towards the both of them. I have apologized, but he still wouldn't really look into my eyes. I don't think the outcome would've been different with or without me going off on him.

You might think my ways of thinking is irrational and unfair- that we've broken up and I should just move on. Let me ask you this- have you felt jealousy? Confusion? Or felt the pain of seeing both your ex and friend happy as you are still suffering from trying to rebuild yourself up again? I don't mean I don't want them to be happy, but you'd often find yourself just reflecting on the memories you had.

Some of this might also be stemmed from my mental health as I have issues trusting people. I absolutely despise having to talk about my problems; it often triggers me even more than before. It feels like I'm reliving everything that had happened, and that leads me to coop everything up until I explode.

So now by choice, I decided to cut off both my friend and my ex to help myself heal first. It's a bit more difficult since I still see them around as we are stuck in the same building for an entire day until the weekends. It still hurts a lot seeing them, but I think if I focus on my future instead of what has already happened- I can get further in life than what I had anticipated.

Focus on my own healing. Focus on seeing how my life would play out whether it's a smooth ride or filled with bumps and jerks. Focus on loving myself and my friends- who have been there every step of the way.

My advice to you readers- learn to love yourself because you can't really entirely love someone else without knowing you yourself will be okay in the end. There's still a lot to love in the world, but you must start with yourself.