Push

Chapter 32

Cameron Santiago POV

The girls at the house think they have been shielding me from the media these past few days but I know what's happening. A majority of the news stations and social media pages have found out what happened. There's no hiding this. I see what people are thinking and saying. It's bad. There have been reporters outside the Krashlyn household since I have gotten back. Being locked up for 48 hours was nothing new to me. I knew the drill. What I didn't know was the fact that once I became part of headline news stories people would pry into my history and my family's history. Things keep popping up about my life that I kept hidden for so long. Things I only told to the closest people in my life.

I hear a knock come from my bedroom door and voice, "Cammy?"

"Come in." I reply.

"Pinoe and Kelley made some breakfast. You want to join us?" Ali says standing at the door. I have been staying in my room until mid-afternoon since I've gotten back. One of the girls try everyday to make me come out of my room when we eat breakfast, but I just want to be alone.

"I'm okay here for now." I reply.

"Okay, we'll fix you a plate in case you want it later." She sighs and walks out closing my door behind her. My heart breaks knowing that sigh was a little bit of disappointment.

A few hours later, I hear another round of knocks coming from my room.

"Cameron, someone is here to see you. Take a few minutes to freshen up and meet us in the kitchen." Ash opens the door and says. She doesn't give me time to deny before she shuts my door. I just get ready and head to the kitchen not wanting to cause any problems.

I see who it is and I turn right back around ready to head back to my room.

"Oh no you don't." Kelley grabs me by my arm as she's the closest to me. I shudder from her touch.

I look Kelley straight in the eyes and tell her to "Fuck off." As I pull my arm from her grasp.

"Hey watch yourself, kid." Ash looks at me sternly.

"You can fuck off too." I tell her. I have no idea where this anger is coming from and I feel like I have no control over this. I think I'm just taken aback and feel betrayed that they are forcing me to do something I'm not ready for.

"How about we go for a walk?" Dr. Lauren Scott, the guest, decides to say.

"I don't know which one of them called and flew you down but I'm not ready to talk." I snapped at her too.

"I didn't mention anything about talking. I suggested a walk." Dr. Scott says calmly. I look around the room and see everyone's eyes hoping I take her up on her offer.

"Please, Cammy. Just take the walk."  Ali begs me. I see the pain in her eyes. We both haven't been the same since the incident. I hear her cry into Ash's arms every night. I hear her have nightmares. She shouldn't be dealing with that. It's all my fault that everything happened.

"Fine! If it makes you all get off my back." I grab my running shoes, put them on, and head to the front door with Lauren on my heels.

We walk in silence for a couple of blocks until she tries to start up a conversation.

"So where are we headed to?"

"I don't know. You're the one who suggested a walk so I'm walking." I snap back at her.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." Lauren comments.

"I just don't appreciate the sudden intervention. I don't need it." I sarcastically explain.

"Well the girls thought otherwise. They are really worried about you."

"Well they shouldn't be. I'm fine."

"Who are you lying to me or yourself?" Lauren questions. "Cameron, don't bottle things up. You exploding back in the house was a result of your bottle over spilling."

I know she's right, but I don't accept the truth right now. "The exploding was because I felt trapped because everyone decided to gang up on me without a word."

"They want to help you. They see you trying to handle things and figured you could use a little guidance."

"You know who needs help? Ali. Have you asked her how she felt when I held a gun against her head? Or did you ask how she felt when she begged me to lower the gun from my temple? How about you ask her when I killed a man right in front of her?"

"How did you feel holding a gun against her head or hear her begging you not to shoot yourself? How does it feel killing the son of the man that murdered your family?" Dr. Scott rebuttals.

I come to a halt. "I'm not doing this. You're wasting your time with me. Go help someone who wants your help."

"Why? Why do you not want my help?" She interrogates me. I stay silent. "Say whatever is on your mind. I won't be offended."

I don't answer her and instead keep walking.

"Can you just leave me alone?" I ask her tired of going back and forth.

"Why are you holding yourself back?" She questions me again.

"I'm scared." I say without thinking.

"Scared of what?"

"I'm scared because I feel so much anger and emotions and if I express them, I won't be able to reel myself back in. I'm scared I'm going to find myself going on a bender because my emotions will overwhelm me. I don't trust myself anymore."

"Who are you angry with?"

"Myself. The universe."

"Why?"

"Why? Because I keep trying to move on from things and the universe is like 'no, fuck you.' I keep finding myself back to where I started. My choices and past keep hurting the people I love. I see the disappointment and sadness from Ali and Ash. They don't deserve that. They were happy before I entered their life. I'm just fucking it up."

"You think you're just a fuck up that entered their lives?" She tries to understand. "That's why you don't think you deserve help?"

"A fuck up drug addicted muderer." I correct her.

"So why don't you ask Ali and Ash how they really feel about you in their life? Because I think none of that is true."

"They would lie. Everyone lies. My whole life since my family died has been a lie. Did you know even my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend or fake boyfriend whatever you call it, of two years was just used as a prop to get Jake close to me. People keep saying shit gets better but it doesn't. They said the pain of missing my family will hurt less. They said talking to someone will help. People said to accept love again but everytime I do, it's snatched away from me. I just keep finding myself falling for lies. "

"Have Ash and Ali ever lie to you?"

"Not yet."