7 days in limbo [Billie Eilish]

DAY VI.1: i am confusion

The vegan ice cream was cold in my hand when I stopped in front of the hotel room door.

I had spent the whole day at the Hunted Hall and it was late. Today was Wednesday, Billie's last night in London.
Half an hour ago I had finally found the time to text her and ask if she wanted to do something. She had replied that she had a headache because her day "fucking sucked". When I had asked if she wanted me to come over her reply had made me drop everything. I had changed into sweatpants and made a detour to the store in record time.

I knocked and waited. Billie opened slowly and stood in the door frame. The smile fell from my lips when I scanned her drained features and slumped shoulders.
Without a word I pulled her into a long embrace.

"Thanks for coming," she murmured against my neck before we let go reluctantly.

Her voice sounded off and I tried to hold her at arm's length to take another look at her. Billie turned away but I still saw that her eyes were puffy.

I let go, pretending not to notice that she must have been crying. I felt as if it was not my place to ask her what had happened. I did not want to overstep any boundaries.

My worries must have still shown on my face though because Billie pushed her hair back with annoyance.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm good now. It's just a headache."

I was terrible at confronting emotions anyway. I shrugged and dropped my backpack to the floor. "I brought ice cream."

"Ugh, you're an angel." Her face lit up the slightest bit and it was enough to make me beam at her in return.

I began to look for spoons by the mini-bar. The hotel room was huge and too extravagant for my taste. I liked the view but everything else was too polished, too smooth and made me feel cold.

Billie flopped onto the bed and I shrugged off my leather jacket, kicked off my shoes and let myself fall down next to her.
She dug into the tub of ice cream like she had not eaten all day, closing her eyes and dropping her shoulders with relief once she tasted the first spoon full.
It was cute and made me think the detour had been easily worth the small delay.

Billie noticed me staring at her. "Sorry if I'm no fun right now."

I decided to dig in my spoon in as well. "It's fine. I'm not always in a good mood either."

"Is it ok if we just, like, chill?"

"Yeah, absolutely."

She looked relieved and I gave her another smile.

Billie nodded and focused on the food again. I felt the smile slowly become forced when I remembered the decision I had to make. The pressure was starting to build up in the back of my mind and being here was not making it easier. Realizing how I smiled much more around her did not help either.

We ate the ice cream in silence but I could sense that Billie wanted to say something.

"Mara?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you think it's fucked up how fast you get used to something."

I put my spoon down, knowing that Billie needed me to listen completely.

"Like, it's all up and down and sometimes it's all good and sometimes not and sometimes it's neither and that's the worst of all," Billie tried to explain. "But everything is always just normal. Even when you don't know yet how to feel about something or someone. I don't know how to say it but it's fucking confusing."

"Are you talking about yesterday?" I furrowed my brow, trying to follow. I was not sure if I knew what she was getting at. "Look Billie, we can talk about it if you feel like-"

"No, no, it isn't that. I- that was really..." She trailed off and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before looking at me. "More like, generally speaking. My whole life."

"Well, I'm confused about everything all the time." I gave a dry laugh before adding, "And that I am used to as well."

"It's just- whenever I have something good I feel like I am just waiting for it to go bad."

Whatever had happened today must have struck a nerve with Billie. Now I felt bad for avoiding the topic earlier when I had come in.

"Because you are used to things going bad?" I asked carefully.

"No, not even that. It's more like it's too good to be true and all of this-" she made a gesture that included the whole room- "is just so fucking- I don't know..."

She let herself fall back on the bed with furrowed brows. "Jeez, I'm on a sold out arena tour for fucks sake. What even is that? And I'm better, I actually like it now too. I'm happy and shit. Why do I feel like everything is going to crash sooner or later? Like I'm just waiting for it? Sometimes I think I was never supposed to be this lucky."

I spun the spoon between my fingers, trying to process Billie's rant. Most of what she was talking about was simply impossible for me to relate to.

"Listen," I started seriously, "fuck fate. It doesn't exist. Nobody is supposed to be anything, everything, nothing or whatever. You're exactly as lucky as you're supposed to be."

"I don't even know what I did. I worked so hard for it, so hard, but never in a million years did I expect to..." she closed her eyes with a sigh. "I just wanted it so badly and now it's all there but it isn't better or worse or worth anything. It's just normal, it's always normal.
Yeah, some aspects sucked, still do to be honest, but the rest? I have all these amazing opportunities and- shit, just lying in this huge ass hotel bed should feel strange as hell. I'm trying so hard not to get used to it."

Billie stared at the celling. "There's pressure. Like, not even from the label or the media but the people who look up to me now. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. I don't want to disappoint myself.
I feel like if I'm not appreciating every moment I'm betraying myself and everybody who would fucking kill to be where I am. I'd be betraying my own dreams."

I needed a moment to gather my thoughts before I scooted back to sit with my back against the headboard. "It isn't a bad thing to adjust, it's normal. You'd go insane if you didn't. And you weren't just lucky. You work your ass off every day, you deserve to be where you are."

I could tell Billie did not believe me. I knew that after going through a dark place being happy could make you suspicious. It could make you feel guilty somehow.

"Yes, you deserve it," I empathized. "Billie, you are clever and funny, kind, way too empathic..."

Billie pulled her hood over her face and shook her head when I started listing adjectives. She pulled it close until only her nose peeked out.

"...creative, strong, inconceivably talented..."

I leaned closer and opened the hood far enough to see her eyes before adding, "...but also obviously entirely too self-critical and humble."

Billie's face was almost hidden but I could still make out the blush on her cheeks.

I leaned away, slamming the empty tub of ice cream on the nightstand to underline my point. "I don't give a toss if some fuckwit says differently. They can bugger right off. You deserve it and you are doing the best you can and that is enough. People shouldn't take that for granted."

Billie just stared up at the ceiling for a long moment before meeting my eyes. "That was about the sweetest thing someone has said to me in a while."

"Yeah?" I reached for a pillow and threw it right at her face. Even though I had meant every word I felt like I had said too much. "Well, don't get used to it."

Billie caught the pillow with a laugh and I could not help but give a warm smile. Or do...

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Obsessions - MARINA