7 days in limbo [Billie Eilish]

DAY VI.2: get no sleep cause of y'all

About an hour later Billie and I were still on the bed. We had each been doing our own thing. She had started to draw in her notebook, her head in my lab. I was sitting against the headboard with the novel I had brought with me opened and one of my hands tangled in her hair.

My fingers danced idly over her temples. Her notebook had been laying closed on her chest for the last few minutes and Billie was having trouble keeping her eyes open.

Time to leave, I thought reluctantly.

"Hey." I nudged her lightly. "Are you falling asleep on me again?"

"Mmmm s'that bad?" she slurred.

"Nah... it's really cute to be honest."

Billie gave a low hum when I ran my fingers through the hair above her ear, my nails gently scratching over her scalp. I hoped the headache was better.

She turned her face slightly and mumbled into my hoodie, "C'you jus..." The rest was unintelligible and I leaned closer so I could hear.

I could feel myself getting soft at the sight of a tired Billie once more only this time I did not care. "What did you say there, baby?"

"Can you stay?"

Because I was already bend down so close to her I pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. Billie's eyes stayed close but there was a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

I ignored the rational part of myself that begged me to say no. That part had lost its power lately.

"Yeah, I'll stay."

I read another chapter because laying there in that hotel bed felt too good to just sleep. I wanted to savour the warmth a bit longer, feel the body next to me calmly rise and fall a bit longer.

When I could not keep myself from drifting off anymore I carefully untangled myself from Billie and placed her notebook on the nightstand.
After an intense but quiet fight untucking the covers from the bed frame, I stretched to the bedside lamp to turn off the light.

Like a cat I nested around for a full minute until my head had found the coolest spot on the pillow and the blanket was around me in just the right way for me to feel perfectly snug.
I tried to scoot away to the side to get a bit of distance between me and Billie. I was not sure if I would be able to sleep if I was touching her. The last times I had shared a bed I had rather given up the blanket than be in physical contact.

Just when I was far enough away from Billie to almost fall out of the king sized bed, she stirred and reached for me. I lay unmoving on my back when she rolled over, pressed into my side and snuck one arm over my stomach.
I almost laughed. To top it off she tossed one leg over mine with a grunt as if to make sure I could not escape without waking her up.

With a sigh I accepted my fate, my arm automatically wrapping around her back. I might even like this more than expected. The way our breaths synced up was soothing, like steady waves running to the shore and singing me to sleep.

I looked up the celling. It was yellow in the street lights coming through the half closed curtains. The sound of cars driving by was muffled. I could tell that it had started to rain again.
Everything was peaceful and for once I was too. There was no urge to run, to bolt to someplace else because nothing ever felt right somehow. There was no uneasiness, no underlying sense of being out of place. For once in my life I did not feel lost.

Billie flinched slightly in her sleep before tightening her hold on me unconsciously. I hoped that whatever she was dreaming about was something good. I wished her all the best dreams in the world.

There was an itch in the corner of my eye. I blinked.

tap

I needed a moment to associate the sound. A tear had hit the pillow. It must have been months since I last cried.
It could hardly be healthy but after a period when I had not been able to stop crying I had become unable to start. Through time this state had become much worse, until I would lie awake for too long, sinking into my mattress as if it was quicksand. The air in my flat would become smothering, making me feel feeble and flaccid.
Sometimes it would build up to a sort of pressure on my chest that threatened to deflate me into a limb and useless toy.

Tears could not fix anything but it was relieving to let them roll freely, even if just for a second, even if just quietly.

I really needed something to hold on to. Was Billie safe to hold on to?

I focused on our heartbeats mingling in the dark.
It was a goddamn joke how it hurt so much just to lie here. Why was it wonderful and terrifying at once?

Deep down I knew why and what it meant. It meant that I had lied to myself; not getting feelings involved was not easy at all. It meant that a week was only seven days but seven days where long enough for me to get hopelessly swept off my feet.

It also meant that I had to make a choice or break my neck looking back.

No, I thought. Billie will leave tomorrow. We'll go our separate ways and it will be fine with me. I'll find a good university and study engineering.

I won't miss her. I won't miss myself and the part of me that only belonged her, that I was just getting to know.
I won't think about her each night like it's the pillow I can't sleep without.
I won't stare into the sky and the ocean and ask myself since when there was this much fucking blue in the word. I myself will not be blue. I will not.

I squeezed my eyes shut and another tear trailed down my cheek and fell softly on the pillow. With steady breaths I fought cramping up.

I wished my heart would fall for the lies my head told as easily as it had fallen for Billie.

_______________________________________

Goodbye - Apparat

Y'all can count, right? This was day 6 and it's 7 days in limbo so...