To Begin Again

Chapter 6 - Worrying For The Wrong Reason

Friday morning dawned and for the first time in days Loki dressed and ventured down to the dining hall for breakfast.  He felt sure Thor would be up by now and arriving there he found him midway through his meal.  “Loki” Thor greeted him warmly “this is a pleasant surprise do I detect your good spirits returning ahead of tomorrow’s visit?”

“On the contrary dear brother they are in fact if anything slightly worse” Loki dropped into a seat next to Thor and picked up a goblet of water.  “I need to speak with you about our trip tomorrow, I am not sure that it’s such a good idea after all”.

Thor was taken aback “what” he stared at Loki, “but a few days ago you were desperate to get to Midgard.  So much so that you used your magic to project yourself there hoping no-one would find out, is that not so Loki?”

“You know only too well that I did Thor, but………” Loki concentrated on the goblet in his hand not looking up at Thor “well to be honest something happened after I was there that I haven’t told you about and I think I need to now.   Also that was not the only time I visited Midgard, I went back again on the next two evenings as well” he paused and Thor eyed him suspiciously “Don’t look like at me like that Thor I didn’t do anything destructive when I was there.  It’s just that” he stopped.  “First before I tell you about my trips I need to know how much Heimdall has told you about my trips and if you have spoken to Jane since then”.

Thor looked at Loki he seemed genuinely distressed by something “he just said that you had found some of the answers you sought but that had returned with many more unanswered ones, that is all.  As for Jane I have not spoken to her since I arranged to visit her”.

“Right” Loki looked at Thor then quickly looked back at his goblet “okay so where to start?”

“Sometimes it’s best to start at the beginning Loki, like why you went there in the first place” prompted Thor.

Loki took a deep breath “okay.  Well since last year and the trouble with Malekith I have been bothered by my dreams.  Where once I didn’t care about things and I could easily wipe them from my mind, forget what I had experienced or done, I have found recently that I can’t do that anymore.  So as a last resort I took to speaking with Heimdall, he’s sees so much while watching, and well I just thought it would help to talk to someone”.

“Why not come to me?” Thor asked.

“Well let’s face it Thor our record in that department hasn’t always been perfect we normally end up fighting and to be quite honest, I don’t feel like I have any fight left in me.”  Loki went on looking sadder than ever. “So anyway I visited Heimdall on three or four occasions and just talked.  Sometimes Heimdall just listened to what I said, then others he would give me hints as to what I might do.  It was on one of these occasions that he hinted that if I had spent my time more wisely on Midgard, studying the people rather than attempting to force them into servitude, I would not feel so lost now”.

“So you decided to take his counsel and visit Midgard” Thor pressed.

“Yes.  I knew I couldn’t leave Asgard because if Odin found out no matter what my reason I would end up back in my cell.  So I retired to my chambers and started to project myself, and that is what I was doing when you came to see me”. He looked across at Thor “I followed Jane in the hope that by watching her I could understand the inner strength that you and Heimdall spoke of.  I was not prepared however for what I overheard that day or for what happened”, Loki sighed heavily as if the weight of the nine realms were on his chest suffocating him.

“And just what was it that you overheard might I ask” Thor questioned Loki.

“Neither of us knew it but before Frigga died she told Jane so many things Thor, things about Asgard, things about me, things that I had long forgotten about myself.  I hadn’t realised just how much she actually understood me” a lump came into Loki’s throat and he coughed it down. “Jane had met up with a friend for breakfast and she had asked Jane to tell her all about you and Asgard which she happily did”.  Loki put his head in his hands “Jane knew so many things about me, things I doubt even you know, all because Frigga had confided in her.  Jane not only knew all about my true parentage, but about how I was abandoned and found by Odin.  Her friend was disgusted that I had been abandoned and was full of sympathy at my adoption as she had been adopted too”.