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"You're quiet." Ivar observed, his chariot beside my horse as we continued the long journey to York. "Shockingly." He continued sarcastically.
"Your constant arrogance leaves no room for anyone else." I answered sharply. At first I wasn't sure whether I should dodge an axe or not, but as he began to chuckle I turned in confusion.
"One of us has to have a personality." He shrugged, making me smile slightly.
The rest of the ride, I exchanged odd stories with the youngest Ragnarsson and - for the first time since I'd known him - his company wasn't detestable. And for a while, I even felt somewhat understood.
I didn't speak to Hvitserk once, didn't even look in his direction as he and Ubbe talked. I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to try. I'd shown such weakness to him, weakness no one else had seen before. If he'd been one of my subjects or nobles, I would've simply had him killed. But he wasn't. And I had to live with the fact that he knew I was weak.
I'd always had this issue, perhaps it was my history, but the idea of being seen as weak was so strong that I was barely even human anymore. I wept in the darkness, alone so that no one could see. No one had ever helped me, they'd only ever made it worse. All my life, I'd been my own hero. I'd been the princess in the tower, spending so many teenage nights wishing that a knight in shining armour would rescue me. But no one ever came. I had no salvation. Instead I had to pick myself up, dust myself off, and fight by myself. No knight in shining armour ever arrived, so I polished my own armour and marched on.
When I was younger, it was different. I still had my humanity. I cried, I showed pain, I felt. But now, I was as cold as ice on the outside. I pushed people away before they could become too close, afraid that they would hurt me again. I wouldn't let them see my scars, my pain, because I had to transcend humanity and become more than human if I was ever to prove myself in this disgusting world. I had to become godlike to even be acknowledged, to be unstoppable and immovable. I had to be imperfectly perfect in a way that no one else ever could.
But it was a lonely path that I walked. And no matter how hard I tried to turn off my feelings and become the beast that they'd made me, I was still the little girl that cried over a snail. I felt the world so deeply, each emotion like a canyon. And I loved with a love that could not be recreated, a love that consumed all. Because deep down, behind my stone cold exterior and icy glare, behind my sword and harsh words, I was the kindest and most loving soul that there ever was. And though I wished I could be that person, that gentle girl full of love and benevolence, the world had made a monster of me and I was too far along tho change now.
"What happened?" Ubbe asked his brother as they walked, watching me closely with the customary blue Ragnarsson eyes.
"I don't know," Hvitserk shrugged, staring over at me. "For a minute, she was human just like anyone else. And then it was gone, and she won't talk to me."
"Maybe," Ubbe suggested, looking towards his little brother. "She's scared that you saw behind that."
But as Hvitserk looked over, watching as I glanced back at him momentarily, a coy gaze that shot away as soon as our eyes met, he knew it was different. It wasn't just that he'd happened to have been there, it wasn't just that he'd seen what he shouldn't have seen. He knew as I cried into his shoulder that it wasn't just because he was the only person there. It was because it was him. And even if it took forever, he'd teach me to trust him again. Because somewhere, in the silence shared and the fearful glances, something lingered. Something that I'd never felt before, some silent understanding. That maybe, just maybe, he was exactly what I needed and vice versa.
Perhaps my Knight in shining armour never came. But Knights come and go, following missions without heart. But Hvitserk wasn't going anywhere, and he had a heart like no one else I knew.
This book is flopping but I'm really enjoying writing it soooo🤷 Anyway have a nice day, hope y'all are well :) -Rhiannon
