The Sky is Everywhere

Chapter Twenty-Two

I've read books that talk about heartbreak, and I've always thought it was metaphorical, over the top.

But my heart really does feel like it's breaking.

It's a constant pain in my chest, like everything inside me is tearing apart, over and over and over again, and nothing I can do will make it stop.

I tell myself that I've overreacted.

I tell myself that I'm still too new to this romance thing, that I just don't understand.

But it would have been so easy for Roan to deny everything, and he didn't because it's true. The person that I have come to care more for than anyone in the whole world, the person that I have been giving my heart to, has lied to me. He's used me.

What hurts the most is the awful truth in what I said to him.

For all his talk of Seconds' rights, he himself didn't truly see me as a person.

All this time, I have thought that he is the one person who's been blind to my status as a Second, blind to my scars, and maybe in a way he is, but what does that matter when he has still been using me?

It feels like the sun has been snuffed out.

There is only grey now, bleak and cold.

I want to scream.

I want to tear out my heart so it doesn't hurt anymore.

But I can't do that. I can't even cry, at least not anything more than muffled sobs into my pillow at night, because I still don't dare tell my friends what has been going on.

I meant what I said – I'm still going to help Roan and Rosie, because this is bigger than me and my stupid broken heart. Too many Seconds are depending on what Beyond is trying to do and I'm not going to throw that away out of hurt or anger or spite.

On some level, I even understand why Roan lied. This is his cause, his passion, the thing he truly believes in – and it is a good cause. The laws regarding Seconds don't personally affect him, and he could easily do what so many others do, and just ignore it. But he doesn't. He believes in a better world, for the oppressed and maligned, and he is willing to fight for them. For us.

That passion is one of the reasons I've fallen for him.

His heart is as bright as the sun and as clear as the stars.

Except for the dark spot regarding me.

Lying to me to ensure my cooperation was not done out of malice, I know that. It was a strategic move. Roan is trying to help Seconds any way he can.

But understanding doesn't change the bone-deep sense of betrayal.

The worst part is that I can't stop thinking about our days together.

Memories relentlessly churn in my head. I think about his hard muscles beneath my palms, his soft lips against mine. I think about what it feels like to run my fingers through his hair, like I'm catching the sun in my hands. I think about his voice and his eyes, as blue as my sky. I think of how he makes my pulse tremble and my heart thump. I think about how he has shown me the world.

Roan is my sky.

But it's not a sky I can fly in any more.

I don't go to the fence the next day.