Just A Nerd

Chapter Twenty-Seven

JENNIE

Opening my eyes to the sunlight of my first night of being married, I close them back, not wanting to think about what is waiting for me. I can't help but feel dreadful. Dreadful that I might not like it. Dreadful that even if I do not like it, it doesn't change a bit.

A hand suddenly sneaks through my body under the thick blanket, taking me against her body. I know who that is, and I hate to admit that even though she feels different somehow, but her warmth is still the same. The coziness, the heat, and all the things about her that I remember vividly are here with me. I want her to be like before, or at least don't try to change herself for whatever reason it is.

And, I figure it is impossible because she isn't the Lisa I know now.

"What are you thinking?" She murmurs against my ear as I close my eyes not knowing what to answer. Everything is not like before. How can I be the same with her? How can she act so cool when we just argued last night?

Life is so fucking confusing. One day, you think you are satisfied, and the other, you are like, you don't want to give a shit about anything or anyone at all. "Am I supposed to think about something in particular? If I think of something that I am not supposed to, are you angry with me?" I answer, not turning to face her. The wind from the window blows a little loudly as she hisses in response. She seems to get annoyed by what I was saying again.

She misunderstands my speech a lot if I got to be honest with her and with myself.

You see, she changes a lot. She is not the nerd with patience and a great sense of humor like before. She is cold and so indifferent somehow.

I loved the old her, not her right now.

I can't help but wonder about our future together. Will it always be an argument like this? Even if I broke up with Mino, am I able to fall in love with this person again? The same one but different from the one I loved.

"You are not allowed to think of anyone but me." She says, turning me around to face her agitated face. "You hear me, Jennie?"

I shake my head, "I don't understand why, Lisa. You change. Really changed. I don't even know who you are anymore. Growing up, I don't think that anyone could change her personalities this much."

"Change what?" She scoffs. "I don't ever stop loving you while you were happily in another man's arms."

"You still don't understand what I have been through." I sit up, needing space from her. "You went away. You suddenly appeared and expected me to abandon someone who has been there for me all the time even though I never asked him, or even told him that I need him. You." I push my finger on her chest, the place of her heart. "You left me without even a trace. Even a call. Four fucking years. While everyone is supposed to enjoy their college life, I was at home, thinking about when you came back, or what happened to you." My tears fall, but I don't try to wipe them away.

It's useless to do so anyway. "Part of me thought you have a good reason to do so. All of me is scared that something terrible happened to you, and I don't know."

"I am sorry..." After a while, she mumbles.

I shake my head, "It doesn't change anything. Even a bit, Lisa."

Getting up from the bed, I take the towel before entering the bathroom. Before closing the window, I see her turning to the window. Her hand comes to her cheek. I don't know why, but something tells me that she's crying, and I still don't want to see her cry as far as I can admit.

Then, she glances back, getting up. "I'll take you to work." I want to look at her eyes. To make sure that this creature that I used to love still has some feeling. I mean, I don't want to see her tears, but tears show that she has emotions. If she has them, I might have a chance to take back the Lisa I used to love.

But when she turns to me. I see nothing. A drop of tear, or even the wetness in her eyes. Everything changes. Her dark hair turns to grey under the back of her head, she dyed it, which I haven't noticed until she does her hair in a bun.

Suit her.

Cold.

Indifferent.

Not someone I know.

I close the bathroom door before cleaning myself from the scent of her. Just one night on her bed, I hate that my body smells of her. We haven't touched each other much, but her scent consumes me. As I think, my thought drifts back to last night. I saw her being so vulnerable in her nightmare. What was it about that make her that weak? I want to know, but I don't want to ask.

As the cold water hits my face, I realize one thing. The dreadful thing I don't want to admit, and I hate myself for that. I hate that even though she changed. No matter how completely she has changed, some part of me still cares for her.

For her well-being.

For her health.

For everything that belongs to her.

God, I am so messed up right now. How can I really fix this when there is nothing to even be fixed? How can I live with Lisa when she is with me for whatever reason I don't know? If she really loves me, I doubt she acts this way to me. The way she uses her physical strength on me is so much different and somehow terrifying to me even though it doesn't do much damage on my part.

Why do I need to face such tragedy in my life?

Why do I have to live with someone I used to love for my entire life when I am sure she is not that person anymore?

Like, I said.

Life is confusing...