one day i began to think

a shoe box of scrunchies

I got home yesterday, and had to quickly get ready for work. I had to set the box of my stuff I just got from your sister down on the floor. I stared at it for a while.. wondering if I should let myself feel everything through the connections of all of these belongings, all the memories held within them. I didn't.. I shook myself out of the trance and got ready. 

later that night when I came home, I saw Aslyn, one of my dogs, laying by the box. snuggled up next to it. I frowned at her once I saw. obviously she has no idea what that stuff is or what it means, she was just trying to find a place to lay.. even though the rest of the living room floor was completely open to do that.. she chose directly next to the pile of my returned belongings. still.. I had a feeling that she was doing it on purpose.. something to her was familiar. I ignored it and got settled on the couch to watch my show.

I woke up this morning, earlier than I expected. I had fallen asleep on the couch, and was greeted by Aslyn whining. She sat in front of me, staring at me until I rolled over to her. I asked her what was wrong, assuming she'd run to the door to ask to go outside, but instead she insisting on getting closer to me. I then sat up, looking for my phone to check the time, and without hesitation she jumped into my spot, and snuggled up next to me, resting her head on me. 

During the school year, she'd do the same thing, knowing when I'd be sick or stressed. She's smart like that, trained to identify emotions like this. Sensing when someone she cares about is sick, weak, hurt, .. and sad. She knew when I'd be down. Jump up onto my bed, and force herself close to my body, laying her head into my neck, face, or chest. I'd hug her every time, feeling safer and more understood in the moment of gloom that set over me. So this time, when I looked at her confused as she sat in my spot on the couch, I realized she wanted to comfort me. I got comfortable with her, wrapping my arm around her body and settling my head next to hers, petting her soft fur behind her ears. I didn't know I needed to be comforted. I didn't think I wasn't okay.. but whatever she saw in my presence is slowly melting as I rested with her. 

But.. then Arlo, my other dog, came up to me next. I again sat up to ask him what was wrong. Blankly he stared. I watched him, waiting for him to either leave and go lay back down in the corner or bark signaling that he needed to go outside. Neither. He then walked over to the box of my stuff from you, sniffed it for a while, even nudged it a few times with his nose. he did this for a solid 30 seconds before his tail began to wag. I saw as he got excited.. looking at me with happy eyes. how.. how does a dog do that.. how was he able to identify your scent and get excited over it.. wondering where you were, looking at me for the answer. I thought I was going crazy.. just believing something over some weird hope, not hope.. I'm not sure what it is.. but I remembered how much he loved you.. you were his best friend. and I always thought that was a message to keep you in my life after already losing you once.. 

Seeing Arlo's reaction to the scent of you left on my things.. broke something in me. he'd never be able to understand.. there's no explaining a break up to a dog, that someone they grew to love is never going to come back, leaving their owner to clean up her broken heart. all Arlo saw was the happiness we created, jumped onto us when we play wrestled on the carpet, when we'd all lay together in my bed to watch a movie until Arlo insisted on laying somewhere less crowded, when we'd play soccer outside in the rain and pretending he was a player on our teams. he was there with us and all he saw was a happy couple, and wanted to be around because.. he loved us. he loved you.. and it hit me that I wasn't the only one who lost something, someone.. but at least I had answers.. 

I felt my body rise in heat.. I felt my jaw clench and my teeth ache as I bit down on them. my fist  balled up and my breathing got deeper and faster.. 

there is a scene in one of the hunger game movies, spoiler, where her sister dies, and katniss goes into their old house to pick up some of their things to bring back to the shelter, it's then where she sees her sister's cat.. and something in her broke where she started hysterically crying and screaming to the cat that her sister is dead.

I recreated this scene. not on purpose.. but I felt everything she did in that moment. enough to look at Arlo and yell "he's gone! he's not going to come back this time! he's never coming back! it's over!" beginning to feel my vision blur, I grabbed the blanket and hoodie on top of the box and threw them across the room. continuing to shout about how there's no getting you back.. 

the tears streamed down my face as all Arlo did was bow his head into my knees, allowing me to pet him on his back. I collapsed into him in tears.. telling him I was sorry for yelling at him.. 

I've never had an outburst like that.. and again, it's not like he'll ever understand what I was saying, but seeing the way he reacted.. it felt like he just did. something higher than us, God.. was able to tell him to just be there for me.. whatever it was.. I was able to let everything out to him while I cried onto the ruffles of his thick fur.

once I had finished.. I looked over to the blanket and hoodie. I traveled over the them, sitting on the ground. I picked up the hoodie and brought it to my nose.. I took a deep breath in.. and there  it was.. the scent of you and your house now burning my nostrils.. I didn't know how to feel.. 

I sat there for a while on the floor.. looking into the space of the room. I dozed off in thought.. just thinking..

I know that I'm going to be okay. I know that really I am. I have been getting over everything fine, the pain, the hurt , everything that still draws me to it doesn't get to me like it did before. I'm able to look past everything like that. Still, I know it hurts to think of what could've happened and how harsh it is now, knowing it didn't have to be like this.. but that's how it ended up, and I was able to accept that a while ago. I just need to keep going, and I will. I've been able to this far.. I won't let getting my stuff back hit me too hard. this might've felt like a set back, but it was bound to happen, just something delayed after attempting to reach out to him to exchange things. he was leaving.. and I was afraid he was never going to let me see some of my stuff again, one thing in particular that I probably shouldn't have trusted him with in the first place.. but I did because I thought I knew him better.. I just hope there's a bit left in him to respect that level of privacy.. i'm not so sure with him anymore but.. I can only pray. 

I'll always keep fighting, also try to be strong. this could've torn me apart, but after I came back to my senses- and apologized to Arlo many times... I went on with my day like nothing happened, I had a good time in a senior leadership meeting- again excited yet nervous for the upcoming school year as a senior, I got my nails done with my mom and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my nails- they are so pretty, and got to say goodbye to a friend before they leave for college and wishing him the best. Overall, I had a good day, even though this morning started off with a disaster all because I felt bad for my dog.. I'm just glad I didn't let it get to me and sit depressed in bed like I would've about a month ago.. and that's enough progress for me.