dear trazodone,
i wish i didn't have to take you every night for my insomnia. since you came into my life i feel unmotivated, powerless, and weak.
it all started when you made me feel like i couldn't move, and you made my eyes feel heavier. my body would float in the illusion of my mind, and eventually i'd fall asleep. i'd be out. cold. and i wouldn't wake up until morning.
it frightened me. but, it was just because it was new. that's all. i'll get used to it. i'll get used to sleep.
after that, you made me more tired. if your dose didn't work enough, it would carry onto the next day. i can't explain death, but it felt like i was dying. with every step i took in the long hallways of my school- i felt more energy slipping away from me. more reasons to collapse on the floor and not wake up. then, i'd fall asleep in classes. biology and geometry mostly.. sometimes we the people. i was just tired.. you made me tired.. so i needed to sleep.
then i became more closed off. not to mention i used to stay awake talking to someone until two in the morning.. and it drastically changed to not being awake enough to send a goodnight text at.. ten thirty.. it was draining. to make my friends think i didn't want to talk to them. my boyfriend, knowing i have insomnia, and losing sleep for me just i would have someone to talk the late hours away with. i became lonely. no one else takes you.. none of my friends take you, they don't need to. and they're fine. they sleep, and they expect me to fall asleep too. but i needed you.
my dad takes you, trazodone. he needs sleep too. he has anxiety like me. my dad seems depressed sometimes. unmotivated, doesn't want to get out of bed, always tired. i barely talk to my dad anymore. but we both take you, trazodone.
depression. i thought i knew what depression was. i didn't, not until you showed up. i was a straight a student with a good gpa and proud parents. i was involved in everything and despite my stress i still loved every moment of my endless activities. i had these friends that would talk to me for hours and i'd spend most of my time splurging my affection and even money on them and not myself. i used to want to clean my room, my house. i'd get random bursts of energy and could make a crazy tiktok video just bc i felt like it.
depression. i have.. 3 a's.. 4 b's.. and 2 f's. i have two tests that i've avoided taking for two weeks. i just failed my geometry test because i stopped paying attention in class. i did a long time ago, but now i don't even try to understand what we're learning in that class.. i just want to sleep in that class.. my favorite subject is english.. and i have multiple assignments i have yet to turn in.. that's one of my f's. but i love english.. i dropped out of individual speech.. a week before competition. i wrote half a speech that i've been thinking of writing for over two years now.. and then i gave up. i haven't been to robotics in god knows how long, i don't show up to jazz band, i don't even want to learn the songs anymore.. i find excuses to stay home when i should be with my friends. i find reasons to lay in bed when i should be doing all of the homework i lost motivation to do. i forgot how to cry for a while, i thought i was numb. i cried today. i had goals and i forgot what they were. ones that reminded me who i am and who i wanted to be.. but i forgot who i was.. and i was just tired.
trazodone, i want to be done with you. i hate how you make feel. i'm sick of how insecure i am of being loved and loving. i know i do i just can't show it. i hate how you took control over me and when i do and don't get to be happy anymore. i want to be me again with straight a's, super involved, loving, and awake..but old me again is tired.
i'd switch back to being tired of endless nights without sleep.. then being tired of endless days without purpose.
i was just tired.. and i don't want to be tired anymore.
sleep is killing me, trazodone. you're killing me.
sincerely, your friend,
belle.
_____
real depression was diagnosed once i realized that the rest of my life belonged to a orange bottle with a white cap and little tablets to turn everything off.
including me.
-belle <\3
أنت تقرأ
one day i began to think
قصص عامةAlright, so this was formally known as lazy reads. It's no longer that. I do put short stories on here occasionally. OCCASIONALLY. But recently it's been a nice little public journal that really no one reads. What I publish is supposed to be someth...
