one day i began to think

nightmare on s 17th st

and suddenly i was back. 

i was in the familiar grey leather back seat of a 2001 toyota avalon. my arms pinned beneath me, the back of my head uncomfortably pressed against the handle of the door. he was hovering over me, looking into the fear that whirled in my eyes. my bare skin and flesh completely exposed to him as he was still fully clothed. i didn't want this. i didn't want to drive up to meet him, only to be thrown into the back to have sex.. and when i protested he gripped me by the sides of my mouth until the insides of my cheeks were being scraped and cut by my teeth.. and told me it was happening whether i wanted it to or not. i stiffened with how he handled me. like i was no better than a doll, a toy. and i accepted it, merely out of fear, out of shock. he crawled up my body, placing a single knee in the middle of my ribs. he leaned down and whispered how exciting it would be for him to make me pass out, fuck me unconscious. he didn't want me to enjoy it, he wanted to see me in pain. he wanted to watch as tears fled from my eyes when i felt unsafe with him. he wanted to watch as i slipped into an unwilling sleep from his hand wrapped too tightly around my neck. then have his way with me.. whatever disgusting way he desired and i had no way to refuse. 

his knee dug deep into my bones. he saw how it hurt, how i squirmed under the weight he pushed. so he continued. he kept pushing harder, watching me wince, hearing my panicked breathing until..

 snap. 

something felt out of place. a rush of scorching fire trailed through my chest and ribcage while a wave of a piercing chill emerged from my toes and made it's way up my legs. both sensations meeting in the middle to cause the most excruciating pain i've ever experienced. my mouth hung open, unable to let out a sound from the agonizing feeling. i began to sweat, to cry, to feel numb in my toes and fingertips. i looked up at him, hoping he'd realize he went too far. 

no..

behind those dark eyes was lust, excitement, power. 

he liked what he did to me, he liked to see me this way. 

i was starting to spin, losing myself in how this is my current reality. i felt his hands roaming my body but my mind was traveling somewhere deeper, darker. i was falling asleep.. praying he'd stop, hoping he wouldn't go through with it. but i knew how it ended.. and i wanted to be pulled from this so i wouldn't have to experience it again.

...

a sharp inhale pierced my throat and lungs making me shoot straight up from how i was laying before. my vision was blurred, but i knew i wasn't in the car anymore. instead, i was under the covers of my own bed, my white lofted bed frame my dad and i built over the summer with spring flower sheets and a tan comforter. my bedroom door was ajar, leaving an ominous view of the hallway and stairs from where i was sitting on the bed. i could hear the sound of an air conditioner running from outside since my bedroom window was open a crack, letting in a cooler very early morning breeze.

i took a couple of seconds to soak in my surroundings. i realized then i was here all along, in the comfort of my own bed, attempting to sleep soundly under the covers. i reminded myself it's been almost 5 years. i'm not in that relationship anymore and i haven't been for so long. i made it out, and grew since into the stronger version of myself that i am now.

once my mind fully found it's way back from dreamland, i tried to regulate my current physical state. i was sweating, shaking, the speed at which my heart was pounding could've sent me into cardiac arrest. i rested my face into my hands, realizing my face was drenched with my own tears. i was just so overwhelmed that i continued to cry. the embarrassment washed over me quickly when i felt chance stir next to me in his sleep. and i mean.. not only that, but i was embarrassed that i got this worked up over a dream.. let alone one of a memory i haven't experienced in years and should be well over by now.