Words Written in Water (Loser #3)

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

At that point, I admitted to myself that I'd never been afraid to let people in; I was just waiting for someone to ask me how I was doing, lean in close, and listen without judging.

Minsan kasi, iyon lang naman ang kailangan ng isang tao—iyong handang makinig at umintindi, iyong makikita ang mga bagay na hindi mo masabi, iyong maglalaan ng oras para samahan kang ilabas ang mga problemang hindi mo kayang isantabi.

And perhaps that's what we often misunderstand about ourselves.

Sometimes, we were not really scared of speaking our minds; we were just scared of having our voices go unheard.

Hindi ko alam kung paano pakikitunguhan si Juancho matapos ang ginawa kong pag-iyak. I was ashamed, but a small part of me was relieved for letting my thoughts out. Nakakapanibago. Wala akong ibang pinagsasabihan ng tungkol sa sarili ko bukod sa mga kaibigan ko. Ni walang ibang nakarinig ng pagtangis ko kung hindi sila. For me, they were the only ones who should witness my vulnerability.

"Kumapit ka..."

Juancho's deep, throaty voice interrupted my train of thought. Nakasakay na kami sa motor niya, ang mga ginamit na upuan at fishing equipment ay naisilid na rin sa cabin. Sa pag-aalo sa akin ay wala siyang nahuli kahit isang isda. Hindi naman siya mukhang galit dahil doon.

I pursed my lips as I gripped the handles behind me. Bigla akong tinubuan ng hiya sa mga pinaggagawa ko. I even put my arms around his waist earlier while we were driving here. He might have thought I was getting too comfortable with him.

"Hindi d'yan," panunuway niya.

Binasa ko ang pang-ibabang labi sa pagguhit ng kaba sa dibdib ko.

"Dito na..." My voice sounded unbelievably tamed. Tuloy ay hindi ko maiwasang pag-initan ng mukha. God, I'm crushing on him like a fucking cutesy teenager. Very out of my character!

"Kulit," mahinang sabi niya bago walang kahirap-hirap na kinuha ang dalawang bisig ko. I immediately held back a shriek. Mabilis niyang iniikot ang mga ito sa baywang niya, at bago pa ako makapagsalita ay inunahan na niya ako. "I'll drive fast. Mamimili pa ako sa palengke. Baka magsara."

Wala na akong naisagot. Noong mga oras na 'yon ay parang naramdaman ko lahat—ang pagdaloy ng kuryente sa paglalapat ng mga balat namin, ang init ng katawan niya, at ang kaginhawahang dala ng presensya niya. Miski ang maliliit na bagay ay hindi ko maiwasang pagnilay-nilayan—the way he covered my face so I could cry in private, the way he bought root beer instead of an actual alcoholic drink, and the way he must have rushed to me to the extent that he forgot to take off his helmet.

Those were just little things that I didn't notice before because I was too caught up in my own thoughts, but now that I'm thinking about them, I think I come to like him... even more.

"Stay here. Mabilis lang ako," aniya bago bumaba ng motor. Tinanggal niya ang helmet at bumaling sa akin.

Dahil nakaangat ang salamin ng helmet ko, agad na nagsalubong ang mga mata namin.

"May gusto ka?" tanong pa niya.

Having trouble finding my voice right away, I just shook my head.

Sumimangot siya. "Hindi ka kakain?"

"Kakain..." Tumikhim ako. "Sa apartment."

"Oh," parang may napagtanto siya. "Right, okay."

Tumalikod na siya at nagsimulang maglakad papasok sa palengke. Pinanood ko lang ang likuran niya hanggang sa mawala siya sa paningin ko. I checked in on myself and realized my heart was in its most erratic state again, and I knew for sure it was because of him.