PAINTED LOVE

TWENTY-TWO

loïse madden

. . . . . .

Summer break finally started. I don't think I've ever been so happy to not have to go to classes, since I usually really enjoy them. But after everything that has happened, I really needed a break. I'm visiting my parents this summer, for the first 6 weeks. Crystal and I decided to return to college 2 weeks early, because apparently, senior year of med school seems to be the hardest one. So we wanted to prepare and get focused early, so we wouldn't completely drown in new information this school year. Also because I want to get my mind off things, which isn't really possible at my parents' place.

We live at the very edge of the city, in a house that's way smaller than any of the other houses in New York. Even though I don't mind that, there's not really much to do around there. It's just me visiting my parents after a whole year of not actually seeing them and staying home to catch up on everything that has happened. We also go on walks daily, me and my mom. It's my favorite part of the day. Ergo, I'll have a lot of time to think. About Sebastian. About our relationship that I ended.

I still have no idea what to do. I'm sitting on the plane right now, for a two-hour flight, and all I can do is overthink everything.

I don't know if it was the best option to end things with him; I wanted to recover and I know he would distract me during that process, because everytime I see him now, I'm reminded of how scary he was when drunk. But I also really miss Sebastian right now. I'd rather be with him instead of on this plane, on my way to 6 weeks of doing absolutely nothing.

I'm watching as the plane lands. When I walk outside, the fresh breeze hits me like swimming in cool water during a heatwave. The edges of New York are far less crowded. There are less buildings, which makes it easier for wind and soft breezes to fly through the city. I look down at my light blue linen pants and Birkenstocks. I'm actually not very excited to see my parents. They know about me and Sebastian, but I haven't told them yet that we broke up. I'm hesitant about wether or not to tell them that I got drugged; it's probably better if I don't, or Dad will send tons of e-mails to NYU.

I walk through the gates and pick up my big suitcase. Outside, my Dad's car is waiting for me, with both my parents in it.

"Hey sweetie!", Mom shouts when she sees me walk outside. She runs up to me and hugs me tight. I give her a wide smile. Dad walks up to us too, smiling. "How was your school year, sweetheart? Oh, and- your boyfriend?! I can't wait for you to tell me all about it!", Mom says excitedly.

We get into the car and take off, returning to my childhood-home. I talk about school, my friends and Mom forces me to tell her about my past relationship with Sebastian. She's still confident that boys are waiting in line for me and that my 'grieving' about Sebastian will pass in a few days.

"You know, before your dad and I met, I had this boyfriend, whom I loved deeply. We dated for a few months. Then he broke up with me and a year or so later, I met your father. Now I can't even remember that boy's name anymore. That's how it goes with teenage love."

"I'm not a teenager anymore, mom. I'm 21 years old and it's a very different story...", I explain.

"Yeah, well... You'll find someone else. It'll work out. Let's have fun for the few weeks you're staying with us, right?! It's going to be so much fun!"

I stare out of the window for the rest of the car ride, while my parents talk to each other about what dinner we'll have tonight. Mom insists on having pasta, because she knows I like it but my dad wants to go a restaurant to celebrate my visiting.

"William... you know, a restaurant- well, Loïse will like homemade pasta better than the one you get at a restaurant", she says, raising her eyebrows to show him this is not about the pasta. She thinks she still needs to hide the fact that restaurants are for very special occasions only. Like I'm a 6-years old, ununderstanding child who doesn't know we don't have the luxury to waste our money on things like restaurants.

"Right, but Hellen- this is a special occasion, she just finished junior year in medical school!"

"Will..."

"It's fine, Dad", I say. "I like mom's pasta. I'm also a little tired to go a restaurant, I think." I'm not actually tired, of course. But I know that Dad won't give in otherwise.

"Okay then", Dad agrees.

The rest of the car ride is filled with music that's playing on the radio.

About 20 minutes later, we arrive home. It's a small, red-bricked house. We walk inside, my dad insists on carrying my luggage and the scent of home-cooked meals and warmth hits me as soon as I open the front door. Everything is just like last time I visited, last summer.

"Welcome home sweetie", mom says, as she pecks me on my cheek. Dad walks upstairs with my suitcase and I follow along with him, as he takes it to my childhood bedroom. The walls are still painted pastel-pink, from when I decided I wanted to go girly at 7.

"Uh, well, I think I'm gonna rest here for a while", I tell my dad. "If that's okay?"

"Of course, honey. Mom still has to make dinner, we'll call you when it's ready, okay?"

I give him a nod and watch as he walks out. I let myself fall on the soft bed and grab my phone. I scroll a bit on all kinds of social media. Then, I reread the messages Sebastian and I once texted each other. He didn't text me one small thing since I broke up with him. Not like I expected him to, but I hoped we could still remain friends. I'd asked him, before he left at my dorm after our talk, if he could send me a message saying he arrived him safely. I knew that he was angry, so I was a bit worried about that.

He didn't text me anything. But maybe I should've been smarter than this, I know how he doesn't want to be "just friends" with me. I just can't take him back this soon, when I still get reminded of that awful night, only when he's standing up and being taller than me.

Everytime he towers over me, unintentionally, I feel the urge to defend myself and feel on edge. At least, that's what I tell myself to make it feel like I made the better choice when I wanted a break.

I just want him back already.

. . . . . .

Another short chapter, I know! I don't know if any of you care, but Taylor's version of Speak Now is coming out tomorrow!!! I'm so excited aahh!

I hope you're having a great day :).

- A.