The Fan Gay (Cate Blanchett)

Chapter 48

Covering my face with a pillow, I have been moving from time to time to get some freaking sleep. The last time I checked, it was already one thirty nine A.M at midnight. Well, Cate was the one who reminded me that when she scolded me five minutes ago because I kept stirring in the bed.

With a sigh, I finally gave up on the idea of sleep. I slipped out of bed, treading softly through the darkened room, not wanting to disturb the peaceful slumber of my Cate.

As I groped for my slippers, my hand brushed against something warm and furry beneath the bed. Warwick, our feisty cat, was curled up in the very slippers I sought. He stirred, stretching lazily while his now grumpy green eyes fixing on me through the dimness. A soft purr rumbled in his throat, and I couldn't help but place my finger to my lips, silently shushing him. I might've annoyed Warwick from waking him up when he purred at me again as he lazily scratched his belly.

"Alright, you're coming with me," I said and carefully scooped him up, cradling him against my chest as I made my way out of the room.

I went downstairs, making sure each step I make wouldn't make a sound to wake everyone up. Then, grabbing the car keys from the hook by the door, I stepped out into the chilly night with Warwick still in my arms. The engine rumbled to life as I started the car and pulled away from the house.

I drove everywhere, taking my time as if I had all the night to wander. Though I have no idea where this car will gonna take us, but I wanna go somewhere I could take my mind off. Somewhere no one will see me. Suddenly, I spotted an empty park, a place almost close to the subdivision. My eyes didn't leave its sight as I parked in front, scanning a bit to check everywhere before I finally decided to go out.

While holding a sleeping Warwick with me, I strolled around for a moment. The air was cold, wind brushes my skin softly that makes my racing mind calm me for a little. And as I wandered, my mind slowly began to drift. I can't believe it's already a year, almost a year since a lot of things happened. A hell lot of journeys I went through. And thinking about how I am before, how things brought me here, I never realized that I did change too. So damn much.

Then, my thoughts turned to her—Cate. How meeting her in that ugly alley is still the most unexpected thing happened to me. I smiled thinking that very first dinner we had, that time she offered me a job working with her, how I was slowly and actually falling for her, how we confessed our love, and the beautiful chaos with our life together.

I really did found my happiness with her.

Without noticing, my footsteps stopped in front of an empty bench. It is a bench that is under the tree, one that is close to the playground up front. My head suddenly recalled us creating a tradition before, that very day we promised to visit a park in every country we ventured to. I remember each memory of every city we spend time together, how we fulfilled that promise to each other.

Without warning, I found myself sinking into that bench while a tear escaped my eyes, trailing down my cheeks unnoticed. But, I didn't stop myself. I just kept crying, shredding into ugly tears I didn't know I had.

"How come I deserve this?" I asked in whisper, my voice breaking as my mind answered it for myself, making me cry even more. My fingers are now trembling as I stroke Warwick's soft fur while my tears are falling over him. "I don't wanna leave," I cried out quietly, the weight of my unwanted decision crushing over me as I sobbed uncontrollably, "I don't want to leave them."

My tears just keep falling, it is the only sound you can hear in this very place. I hate goodbyes, I learned to hate that word for a very long time, and yet here I am, weeping that I will betraying myself soon... that I have to fucking do it without anyone knowing, and I'm going to do it without able to comeback.

My thoughts raced over the people I have, those important people who are now in danger because of me. They don't know it, but I know damn well. They're my safe place, but I can't protect them anymore. Not when I'm existing with them.

As I cried quietly on this lonely bench, I realized how I just lost my hope to everything. And every moment I've shared with them flashes through my mind, while each one is a painful reminder of what I'm about to lose.

I don't know how long I sit here while Warwick is the only one I have. I just know that I'm all alone with unending tears as I try to gather the strength for the hardest choice of my life.

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Author's note: 2 chapters left. I know this says a lot but, please wait until the very end.