Poetry, Thoughts & Journal Entries

Quasi-recovery / I want to fucking hike

*TW: ED - no specific numbers/calories etc*

I've forgotten how to recover from anorexia
and am floating around in a state quasi- recovery of which the rest of the world accepts fully -
no will, drive or why
in my eyes
this may as well not be recovery at all.

2019 was my year of recovery
After years of illness
I finally got my physical health back
I found joy in exercise again and possessed the physical stamina to partake in a routine of every day life

2020 I thrived despite living in the most locked down city of all -
I volunteered helping to educate underprivileged kids during a worldwide pandemic
Studied and became a qualified as a youth worker
And found joy in my daily walks

2021 unexpectedly came crashing down
time sped up -
as my city continued at a pace unmatched to mine
I fell down.
A relapse I didn't quite recognise back then.
I got back up again -
but when I got back up I ignored the fact that I fell down
My doctor had a baby. I left. To the other side of the city.
work. work. work.
all a distraction. not bad. just a distraction. probably for the best actually.
socially for the better.

One thing to the next
I can't stand still. 
2022 I returned to study a new degree
it's all that mattered to me.
My goals prior lockdown forgotten.
job gone. aspirations erased.
However, I did socialise again.
I can't keep up with existence.
I finally but subtly said goodbye to the one person who was my lifeline the past five years -
he had to be free of me
The weight of my brain on his was too heavy and I was ready to rely on me.

Now I would only have myself and I had to be fed.
But my study and a combination of prescribed stimulant meds -
formed an unstable routine of which I unintentionally fast for long periods whilst hyper focused before then realising I need to take care of myself
at 4am when McDonald's was the only place open.
I'd eaten everything I'd ever wanted before and no substantial physical affect arose
so this is what I would do.

I gained an immense amount of weight for the first time in my life.
Not quite anorexia anymore but far from healthy.
Everyone who knew me had never seen me this size and spoke of how healthy I looked.
How could this possibly make me feel better when secretly I knew I was experiencing more chest pain from starvation during the day
than ever before,
My muscles had all been lost - no strength
And my life was a constant cycle on empty 

2023 I could not believe what I had done -
I did not know this larger physical state was even possible for my body
As I had forever remained naturally athletic and thin all my years before and after illness.
I was willing to toss away almost every opportunity that came my way if it meant by the end of the year I'd be "me" again.

So there I was -
An entire year
my brain had been infested again
anorexic voices
of course I didn't choose to lose weight healthily or do balanced exercise to get strong and fit again
like I once was
there was nothing else to it -
I just needed my smaller identity back
I cannot accept myself this way.
a higher weight than ever - I lost triple the amount of weight I'd lost back in my hospital years -
only this time round to have random doctors invalidate me, tell me I appeared healthy despite chest pains and me explaining the cause
I finally understood the mistreatment that occurs as an ED patient when you were not thin to begin with and it's fucked.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to experience this in an even larger body.

It would be assumed that I would reflect on those initial years in recovery
and do it all over again -
It truly is possible.
I know.
But the combination of additional chronic diagnosis' and reflection on reality
of which was that I remained mentally exhausted, suicidal and prone to extreme moods even in the best of my years -
made me lose hope.
No point in trying.

Listening to the voices
which are not my own

So here I am.
I still want more
To he small again
as I'm still larger than any of the years before (minus 2022)
Knowing I may waste another year away and hope that it is enough this time
To feel like myself again
Knowing that I will likely lose even more of myself again
I have no motive
I have felt for so long that even if one thing gets better
another gets worse

However, if I dig a little deeper
Than I have the most few years
There's a part of me that wants to have the energy to run again
And there's a part of me that really want to fucking hike
Because I can no longer fucking hike
As I can't trust my heart
Also I don't have the energy
As I can barely breathe.
But imagine if I could fucking hike again.
I really want to fucking hike
It makes me want to cry!

Maybe I can't hike the same way I used to
Maybe I need to make peace with my body right now to go on a fucking hike.
Maybe my body wanted to be built bigger and stronger to go on a fucking hike.

Please recover now whilst you have the chance so you can go on a fucking hike.

(I'm gonna be honest I have no idea what I just wrote :,)..oh my - if you're struggling with an ED of any kind, pls remember if you're  not actively recovering you're basically dying and whilst you may be okay with this now, a future version of you in 10 years time may desire otherwise and it might be too late to turn back time to what it once was. Don't be like me and think it's something that's only going to take away your teens (which is terrible in itself) only to have it take away most of your twenties as well and if I'm not careful my thirties will fade away. I always saw people in their twenties still struggling and thought it could never be me. I will make it out though. I have to go on a fucking hike.
Please give yourself the love and life the child version of you always deserved <3 I love you okay! )