within the stars | skammy

two

s a m

i walked through the door with you, the air was cold

I closed my eyes as the memories flooded over me. I could almost feel Nate's fingers interlaced with mine.

but something about it felt like home somehow

I smiled as I relived the feeling of myself melting into Nate's embrace.

and i left my scarf there at your sister's house, and you still got it in your drawer even now.

I wrapped my hands around my phone as I remembered the sweatshirt I left at Nate's house. I wonder if he still has it.

oh your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze, we're singing in the car getting lost upstate.

His sweetness was something only I got to see, something he kept hidden from everyone. I couldn't help but stare at him sometimes.

Singing in the car and getting lost within each other was our favorite thing to do between studio.

autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place and i can picture it after all these days.

Everything was going so perfectly in the fall when I first moved here. Everything was beautiful. He was beautiful. I can still picture it, you know, us. All happy and loving and everything we both wanted.

i know it's long gone and the magic's not here no more and i might be okay, but i'm not fine at all.

I let the memories slip from my brain and clutched my pillow to my chest. He's not here anymore and we have nothing anymore all because of me.

here we are again, on that little town street, you almost ran the red because you were looking over at me.

I slipped back under the toxicness of my own imagination. I could see the crinkles by his eyes as he laughed at something I just asked.

"Nate!" I squealed, clenching my phone to my chest. "The light!"

He laughed as he slammed on the brakes, not running through the red light. "You kill me."

wind in my hair, i was there, i remember it all too well.

I could almost feel the cold autumn breeze right now, and these memories will kill me.

photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red, you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed.

Nate and I travelled back to Nebraska a couple of months after I moved to Los Angeles and he took me to meet his parents one day.

"Oh my god, Nate!" I gripped the edge of the counter to stable myself. "Look at your glasses! Oh my god. You never told me!"

The redness on his cheeks was barely noticeable, but it was there. The picture was adorable, it has Nate perched on the end of a small twin size bed, smiling dorkily (missing his front two teeth), and he had his glasses on his small face.

and your mother's telling stories about you on the tee-ball team, you tell me about your past thinking your future was me.

"Yes, Sam! I know! Nate used to be such a great tee-ball player!"

"Mom-" Nate grumbled, wiping his face downwards. "Stop."

"Now to the pool incident-"

"MOM!" Nate snapped, eyes wide.

i know it's long gone, and there's nothing left i can do. i forget about you long enough just to forget what i needed.

Those nights still swallow me where I must rid my mind of any memory of Nate and I to get a wink of sleep. He was slowly consuming me and so was the guilt I had buried within me.

there we are again in the middle of the night, we're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. down the stairs, i was there, i remember it all too well.

That night after his mother's stories, we stayed at his house. The refrigerator light lit up his face as the clock on the oven blared angry green time at us.

I laughed as quietly as I could as he spun me around in circles and only stepping on my toes twice. Everything was so peaceful that night.

maybe we got lost in translation or maybe i asked for too much but maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it all up.

Sometimes, I like putting the blame on Nate, even if I know it was my fault. In all of our hurried confusion and love proclamations, maybe, just maybe, we got lost in everything.

I ask for a lot, maybe it was too much for him to handle. Our love was like a beautiful painting, something I adored completely. And to think both of us tore that painting up, shattered my heart into billions of pieces.

running scared, i was there, i remember it all too well.

When the fall out happened that's when I took Dillion's hand and ran away from all of my problems. I wanted away from him but maybe that was a mistake.

do you call me up again just to break me like a promise? so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I remember for almost ten months he would try to call me every day. He told me in long love-filled voicemails about how much he messed up or sometimes how much I messed up. That was the cruel part.

i'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here because i remember it all too well.

As I laid in bed, I realized how much he broke me and how much I am breaking myself by holding onto these memories.

time won't fly it's like i'm paralyzed by it. i'd like to be my old self again but i'm still trying to find it.

I can lay in bed and think of Nate for hours, if I am being honest. But, I want to be that naïve boy that I was before I met him and Dillion helps me.

after plaid shirt days and nights where you made me your own, now you mail back my things and i walk home alone.

I remember the hot late summer nights where hickeys would line my neck and he made me his own. He didn't pressure me to do things.

He didn't take things that weren't rightfully his. But sometimes the fear creeps into my mind, that yes, he was the one who wanted me gone from his life.

but you keep my old scarf from that very first week because it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me.

My innocence was his favorite thing about me - or so he said. Some days I wonder if he meant it. Some days I wonder if he wonders about me. I wonder if he still has that sweatshirt.

you can't get rid of it because you remember it all too well.

I know he still has the sweatshirt. Even if he denies it to his friends.

cause here we are again, where i loved you so. back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

I loved him and sometimes I wonder if I still love him. He was first true love and even if I wasn't his first, I hope I was something to him.

it was rare, i was there, i remember it all too well.

And as I closed my eyes, I dreamed of Nate as my arms wrapped themselves around Dillion's waist and kissed his forehead.

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Authors note: omg hi!!! a little of Sam's head rn

all copyright for the lyrics to taylor swift all too well :-)