Healing

IV - eager

So a lot has going on. Emotionally I've been super unstable, hence no desire to even open my laptop. Moreover, I've been so busy with work and my second job. Thirdly, we moved together with my sister recently and I don't even have wifi, but I have a space where I feel comfortable and a room I'm decorating to my taste, so I'm hoping that'll help me to feel better and actually write.

I appreciate every single one of you, pushing me to write. It does help and reminds me there's more than my own misery. So thank you.

∞

         Jinyoung doesn't sleep, at least not much and he doesn't rest. It's not just that he doesn't like sleeping much, it's more that he feels scared of that nothingness again, even if he's not very willing to accept that. As much as he is fascinated with death, Jinyoung isn't very fond of that in-between life and death state.

However, that particular night isn't just the aftereffects of being in a coma for about half a year what make him so restless. His thoughts aren't clear but there's a face that pops up in his mind from time to time. Dark, narrow eyes that look at him as if they knew him, a wide smile that makes those eyes practically disappear. It's not just that he can't seem to stop thinking of the boy he met, it's that feeling inside his chest, the tightness in his ribcage that makes him notice every single beat of his heart. It almost feels like longing and Jinyoung can't understand himself.

It's a terrible night and having to get up early for his therapist appointment doesn't help in the slightest. He is tired, and grumpy as he's angry with himself for acting like a starstruck teenager. He knows his therapist will ask why he looks so tired and Jinyoung will have to confess he is not taking his medicine to sleep and it'll be the same argument as always: you need to want to get better to actually get better.

What does it mean "getting better" anyways? Will he stop feeling the way he does? Then how will he feel? This is all he knows, the current Jinyoung is all he is and he has no clue what "being better" would make out of him. He wouldn't recognize that Jinyoung neither would he know how to be that Jinyoung.

It's hard to give up on what you've always know, especially when you didn't even ask for help. Jinyoung was put in therapy, he's practically forced to go and if he skips, his therapist calls his parents so he doesn't have a way out. And even if he tries to explain he doesn't want to get better, they'll only assume it's to get attention and be the drama queen everyone thinks he is.

What's the point of trying to explain himself if no one is willing to really listen to him?

Jinyoung is in a worse mood than usual and he wishes he could stay in bed, doing nothing but breathing. He does not have the will to go outside and deal with people, or himself. But he hears the alarm and soon his mother knocking at his door, telling him to get up because breakfast is ready and if he doesn't eat soon, he'll be late for therapy. Jinyoung isn't even hungry.

Yet, the young man gets out of bed, grabs his phone to turn off the alarm and when he does, he notices there's a text message from someone he has not saved on his contact book.

Curious, feeling his heart leaping in his chest, Jinyoung launches the Kakao chat app, clutching his mobile phone as it loads with all the chatrooms and there it is, a new one with a number he does not know. Feeling nervous for no valid reason, he enters the chatroom to see who the addresser is.

Hello Jinyoungie, it's Im Jaebeom. I hope you made it home safe and sound. Thank you for letting me buy you coffee. I wish I could've seen you home to be at ease. Get tons of rest and good luck tomorrow.