Angels of Long Island | Mathew Barzal

~41~

Once Mat and I get home, I go back to get changed into comfy clothes and then Mat comes in shortly after. He comes in and unbuttons his dress shirt about halfway down before approaching me on the bed, smirking. He plants a kiss on my lips and I tug at his shirt, untucking it from his pants. I finish unbuttoning his shirt all the way down and glide my hands around his bare hips and pulling him close to me. He never breaks the kiss as he lays down next to me. After a moment or two, he breaks the makeout session. "Hey babe, I have something to ask you." He mumbles against me. "Go ahead." I say, sitting up. "What happened with Alex and your ex before me? You don't have to tell me if you don't want but I was just wondering." He says, running his hand through his now messed up hair. His shirt is still wide open and revealing his chest muscles and abs. I sigh before sitting cross legged in front of him. He places a hand on my knee and I begin explaining. "Well you know Alex was playing a prank on me the whole time. Stood me up, never wanted to call. All because he had a joke going with people. I'm sure he probably would've used me if he could've gotten that far. But I just felt so dumb and so embarrassed after that whole thing. After him I was seeing someone I knew from my past, long before you and even long before Alex. He was a sweet guy, everything I thought I ever wanted. Well, we hooked up a couple times and he got a job offer where it would've taken him maybe 40 minutes, an hour away from where we lived. All leading up to him taking this offer, we talked about what would happen with us. He said it wouldn't change anything and that he just wanted to see what awaited him at this job. Well as soon as he left, I didn't hear from him. He just kinda faded me out. And that sucked because I thought I was actually falling for him. Now that I met you, I know what falling for someone actually means but he destroyed me when he just left. Well he came home for a weekend and wanted to see me. He picked me up and we hung out. Things started to happen but I wanted to test and see if that was the only reason he wanted to see me that night. He covered pretty well because I think he knew what I was planning but I'm pretty sure he was mad I didn't let him do anything. After he went back to work, he started on the same shit of not talking to me at all and leaving me missing him. He hurt me so bad I wanted to give up on relationships altogether. How do you just kiss someone to romantic country songs and making them feel like they're yours and then just up and leave? I was so confused as to why he just decided I wasn't good enough or why he didn't want to put in the effort to still be with me." I spill, tears now rolling down my cheeks.

The look on Mat's face was that of pure heartbreak. He looked like he wanted to cry watching me fall apart. "I literally hated myself more than anything for not being mad at him because I guess I couldn't be mad at him for losing feelings but I felt used because we had done stuff together and I let myself be vulnerable with him and told him I was afraid of being hurt again. He told me he would never be the next one to hurt me and he did anyways. So I felt used and stupid for thinking it was finally my turn to have something." I explain, still crying. At this point, Mat had sat up and wrapped his arms around me. "So what are you afraid of baby? Tell me." He says.

"I'm afraid of being used and then left for nothing. I'm afraid of being told him not good enough or that there's better options out there than me. I'm afraid of letting myself trust someone enough to be that physically close to someone only for them to take advantage of me. Because that's what he did. Plain and simple; he took advantage of me and I feel like he was acting the whole time." I say.

"Oh baby" Mat muttered, pulling me closely into him and wrapping his body around mine. We just sat there for a few minutes, me crying into his chest and him rocking me back and forth slightly and holding my head to his chest.

After a few minutes he tilted my chin to look up at him. "Look at me." He said sternly. He gazed into my eyes as he spoke to me. "I'm so sorry that that happened to you. No person deserves to feel that way, especially someone with a heart as sweet as yours. I can't believe someone would take advantage of you like that. It actually hurts my heart to see you this broken. But I now understand why you have a wall up with me. And before you ask, no, I'm not going to leave you because you're guarding yourself. I understand this is strictly a mental thing that you need to heal yourself but just know that I'm here to help. I get that you probably don't trust everything I say or do because someone's previous actions didn't match their words. My heart breaks seeing you like this." He chokes up saying this. His left eye is now glossy. "But I want you to know; I love you and I will never hurt you. I know you've been told that before and it didn't happen but I swear on my life Lexi that I will never hurt you. You're too precious to me to hurt. I love you and I want to do everything in my power to protect you from harm." A single tear has now slipped from his eye. My tough, strong hockey playing boyfriend was now crying. "Lex, you don't have to trust me just yet. I know it's going to take time for you to let yourself completely fall into me. I don't expect you to just flip a switch and be ok and think that I'm different but I'm going to prove to you everyday that I love you and I don't intend to hurt you. But I love you and I'm not going to stop telling you or feeling it. Please don't think that because you can't be vulnerable with me means that I'm going to ditch you like he did. Because I know that's what you're thinking right this second." He was exactly right in saying that. "And don't think that because we haven't done anything yet means that I'm going to cheat or go find someone else that will. That's a dick move and I can't even imagine doing that to you." His voice catches in his throat as he says this and he has to stop talking. I wrap my arms around his waist while he's holding me.

And that's what we did for a while, we just held each other. "Look at me." He says again after a few minutes "I love you. Don't ever forget that. You were patient with me when I told you about my past, so I'm going to be patient with you. You do what you have to to feel better. But remember that I'm always here for you. You know all you have to do is come talk to me or call me. I promise to answer you and talk when you need it." He's now wiping the tears from my face. "You are so special to me and I don't even want to think of life without you now. I'd rather be alone than be without you." He says, sniffling a little bit. I sit up and kiss him. He kisses back and hold me to his body. "I love you baby girl. Please know that." He says. "I know Mathew, I love you too. Don't think that I don't love you with my whole heart. I do." I say, kissing him again.

After a moment or two we both had stopped cryingand were just sitting in each others arms before Mat gets up to change for bed.I plug my phone in and also get ready to sleep. Mat comes back out a moment laterwith no shirt and a pair of Islanders shorts and he crawls into bed next to me.He turns out the light next to the bed and pulls me into him. "I love you babygirl, merry Christmas." He whispers. "Merry Christmas Mat, I love you too. Ilove you so much." I say, kissing his chest where my face had been planted. Hekisses my forehead before kissing my lips, using his tongue a little. "I don'tknow how else to be physically closer to you, like you being in my arms stilldoesn't seem close enough, I love you that much." He says. I squeeze him inresponse and then we fall asleep.