The Weeping One (MXW)

It Didn't Seem Right

The next morning I packed my mom and grandma's bag into my SUV. I stopped for coffee. Making my mom's just the way she liked. We drove the two hours to the hospital. We talked, sometimes I would make stupid jokes. This made my mom smile more than she cared to. I held her hand and comforted her thru her small fits of anger, pain and sorrow.

Once we got to my grandma's room the reality of our future hit me like a semi. My grandma was incoherent, no longer medically induced, she was just out of it on her body's own accord. Breathing tubes and feeding tubes stuck out of her face. IV's poked at her delicate paper thin skin. Monitors beeped and ventilators hissed. She was still. The presence of death's angel lurked in the corner of the room.

Her skin was cool and the blankets and warmers were not helping at all. She took slow, heavy, unsteady breaths. Her chest rose and fell with a thud. People came in and out all day. Doctors, nurses and visitors traipsed thru the room frequently. Tears fell like rain, sobs filled the stifling air. My mom hovered over my grandma as tears streamed down her face, threatening to dehydrate her withering form.

I waited patiently for my turn to visit with my grandma. I couldn't bring myself to cry. The presence of my tears would be too much for the grieving family to withstand. I held my grandma's hand as she held mine so many times before. I petted her hair, rubbed my fingers over her face, I kissed her again and again. She stayed silent. But, I was selfish. I needed to hear her one last time. I leaned into her ear and I whispered I loved her. I told her to let go if she no longer could be with us. I promised to take care of our family. I replayed our memories. I kissed her and whispered I love you one last time. She opened her tight eyes and mouth a fraction, and everyone gasped as she spoke the words I love you into the air while staring at my eyes.

I walked from the room in that moment. I was broken. My heart was on fire. Joy and pain laced thru my veins like a burning poison. Tears welled up in my green orbs. I felt the light tremors as they silently became violent waves of torment. My body heaved and my knees buckled as I fell upon the floor outside the door to her hospital room. Nurses stood beside me watching as hate took over my form, fear imprisoned me and sorrow suffocated my light. They offered no words as they looked upon me in sympathy, tears in their healing eyes. They had their hands cupped over their mouths. I couldn't give a shit for any one of them. Disgust boiled in my spirit as I secretly and unfairly accused them of causing my pain.

Bitterness overwhelmed me. I thought of many people who should take my grandma's place. I was drowning in death. It was consuming me like the cancer that raced thru my grandma's bones. She was 73 and she wouldn't see 74. She wouldn't watch more grandchildren, great grand children and great grandchildren grow. Her laughs would never fill the air. Her hands would never again touch a dish. Not one more cup of coffee would ever grace her lips.

Death is an evil and necessary force. Dying of old age would hurt but dying while silently battling disease seemed cruel. I was no stranger to pain, but the pain that made camp in my body felt unrelenting. I questioned my sanity as I fought against darkness once again. I instantly was praying to the gods. I begged again, like an ungrateful child I cursed the creators. I offered myself as sacrifice, selfishly, to save my mom this time. I willingly bartered my heartbeats that the gods would let my mom live thru this suffering of so many forms.

As I rose again to my unsteady feet, I firmly pulled my mask of sanity over my paled face. I stood determined that I would not break any more tonite. I let the pain form an unemotional bond with my spirit, willing myself to become numb. I dusted off my bottom as I prepared to enter the room one last time. I wiped my face angrily as the rough fabric of my jacket brushed my skin and soaked my tears like a sponge. I pulled the handle of the heavy wooden door and walked into a chapter of my life as it came to a close.