Older Brothers

43

[[WARNING : direct references to disordered eating and mental illness !!!]

Khloe

I spent all of maths, staring into thin air. I was so tired and exhausted, there was no way I could concentrate.

Luckily for me, the teacher hardly noticed.

Dylan also left me alone, which I was glad about. I knew he could tell from the car journey that I wasn't in a good mood and I didn't want to talk. I was very thankful that he left me alone. I didn't want to be bothered. I didn't want to talk or explain things to a stranger. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I wanted to be left alone, to stare into thin air and stare into nothing. My brain doesn't have any space left In it to think or do anything else. I'm so tired.

It was lunch and I headed straight to the bathroom.

I didn't want not to talk to anyone. I was so tired all the time and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I was so sick of this. Forget what's going on with my family, I couldn't really care any less right now. I've got bigger problems and they don't get it, but I don't need them to.

I went straight for the sink, looking at my reflection. It was true to say I looked run down. I could tell something was off about me. My nutrition was probably awful right now. I could tell from the yellow in my eyes. The once healthy white sclera was now faded, making me look sick.

There was that word again, sick.

It hit me like a brick wall. I know telling my family how I had been feeling was me admitting that something was wrong, but I hadn't quite processed what that actually meant. I had known for quite some time that my thoughts weren't normal. Something had changed. I never used to think like this .

Part of me was still trying to figure out what this is. There's so many diet blogs out there that encourage you to make a list of things you put in your mouth that day. Yet, I've used this to tell myself this is fine, this is normal, but when I count up everything I've eaten for the day in my mind, something about it doesn't quite sit right inside of me like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing.

Being told my brother that I was sick was something different. It's such a statement, one that I probably wasn't ready to hear.

The reality of being sick scared me. It told me I was no longer in control of this like I thought I was, but something else was controlling me. I thought I would ensure I could control this. I knew what I was doing when I started it. I thought I'd always know what I was doing and I could always stop and say fuck it, but right now, everything in my body told me to continue. I would always say, I've survived before, what's a little purging and hunger if I remain in control? But, after what my brother said... I think that could be the sickness. All his comment has told me is that I'm not in control of anything anymore. Nothings how I wanted it.

At lunch, I would see Taylor eating a Kit Kat for desert and I knew I couldn't eat like that. It was off limits. Part of me also critiqued her in my head for it, knowing exactly how many extra calories she'd be having from eating it.

The thing is, when you start taking note about what you put in your mouth, it becomes internal. You have a measurement system in your head that will never go away. It's there for good. For some people, it doesn't mean anything. It's just information. But, for me, it carries weight.

I pulled out my phone and dialled a phone number.

"hello? Maddie speaking." A voice on the other end said.

"Hi, it's Khloe." I said.

"Hey!" She said, I could tell from the tone of her voice she was glad that I had called. "How you doing, sweetie?"