The Smirking Jerk (Blake's POV)

Chapter 40

Chapter 40

It had been a long time coming, for me to be honest and tell Lexi about my brother. Hadn't Doctor Boseman told me I should be sharing what I was feeling with other people?

I kept a lot of things to myself. I wasn't always exactly sure why. It was the same thing with the problems with my head. I didn't open up about the things that mattered.

Jayden had always been a very touchy subject, even with the people that knew him and lost him like me. It always felt wrong to talk about his death, to talk about him in the past tense. So, to introduce him to someone when he was gone, when they could never meet him felt so wrong.

A little piece of me died when he did.

It might have been slightly selfish of me to drop this bomb on Lexi, here, in front of Jayden's grave though.

Not everyone knew how to respond to that kind of thing. There was no perfect solution to grief, no perfect way to deal with it.

My Pumpkin was looking in my eyes, probably trying to come up with the right words. She looked sad, and worried.

I didn't like this, the idea that my feelings were making her feel bad.

That was definitely one of the many reasons why I rarely opened up with people.

Lexi took a step closer to me. I thought she might hug me. Instead, she lifted her hand, and rested it on my arm comfortingly. "You won't always be sad," she said, softly.

She was throwing my words back at me.

Should I tell her that I didn't exactly believe in them, at least not for this?

Her hand was still pressed against my arm, her eyes still worried.

I wanted to wrap my arms around her. Would it be selfish of me to want her to hug me and comfort me?

Was it completely selfish of me to want that? I didn't deserve comfort...

I wanted... god, I wanted so many things. So many things I didn't deserve. So many things that I wasn't entitled to.

I looked up, trying to keep my tears from falling. I didn't want to cry in front of Lexi. She'd rarely seen the good side of me. I didn't want to show her my weak side too. Not right now.

Lexi still looked at me, with a sad smile, her eyes compassionate.

I loved this girl. But it felt like I didn't have the right to, not right now, not in front of my brother's grave.

A strand of hair fell from her bun. I couldn't stop myself from pushing it back out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

My hand stayed cupped against her cheek.

"Will I?" I whispered to her, and finally dropped my hand.

I was doing so many things to be better, to get better, but all my doubt and self hatred were rushing back because I was standing beside my brother's ashes.

He'd be alive if it hadn't been for me. He'd be smiling and happy.

Lexi deserved better than the guy who killed his brother.

I turned around and walked away, leaving Lexi behind.

She took a second before starting to follow me, but that was all I needed to quicken my pace and make sure she couldn't catch up with me.

Because I was going to cry now.

I headed straight for my parents' car and hid in it.