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AYOLUWA STARED AT THE CEILING fan above her bed.
She had been laying here as a way to try to reduce the medium feeling of nausea inside but nothing was helping.
When Ayoluwa turned her head, she could see that the bathroom light was still on, flooding from underneath the door.
After four days, Joshua had returned home, his head held high.
Ayoluwa contemplated changing the locks, packing his stuff for him and disappearing from his life.
But as much as she thought about it, debated leaving with herself over and over, Ayoluwa, for the life of her couldn't make her feet start to leave.
Joshua was her first love and that meant something to her.
She wanted to make it work in spite of the rough patch they had been having lately.
Joshua's phone, lying on the mahogany nightstand, beeped with a text, once then twice then another three times, all in a row.
Ayoluwa focused her attention back on the ceiling fan, trying desperately to ignore the cell phone.
Then it beeped once more and she took a deep breathe.
Curiosity had finally gotten the best of her.
All while flicking her eyes toward the door, she pressed her thumb against the home button and Ayoluwa opened his iMessage app to the conversation from a contact named 'T'.
"What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?" She whispered to herself.
Ayoluwa wasn't the type of girlfriend to go through texts before but before last month, Joshua hadn't been the type of boyfriend to make her doubt their relationship.
And so she read.
The last couple texts were different but all had the same meanings: 'I miss you' and 'When are you coming to see me?'
Scrolling up, Ayoluwa began to read through the text thread anxiously.
At the sight of her name, Ayoluwa stood from the edge of the bed and Joshua came back into the room in the same minute, one hand gripping the front of his towel.
"What are you doing?" Joshua snatched the phone from her roughly, catching her off guard.
"Your phone was blowing up." Ayoluwa said in a lame tone.
"So, you decided to just find out who it was, huh?" Joshua shook his head.
"Don't act like I've never done it before. Is it only a problem now because of Tia? Why are you talking to strangers about our relationship?"
"You went through my texts? And she's not a stranger?"
Ayoluwa gritted her teeth at the avoidance, "Please don't change the subject. Why are you still talking to her and why are you getting relationship advice from her?"
Joshua chuckled, "She's just a friend, relax. I can do what I want, Ayoluwa."
"All your friends tell you that they miss you with a heart? 'Cause I was pretty sure messages like that are reserved to and from me." Ayoluwa snapped.
"It's just an emoji. It doesn't mean anything." Joshua traveled over to his dresser and began to grab articles of clothing in order, boxers, pants and shirt then threw them on the bed.
"Where did this girl even come from? I know all of your friends and how you've met them and you've still never explained anything." Ayoluwa stated.
"I don't know, I didn't think it was important enough for you to know." Joshua shrugged and then let go of his coral colored towel.
"I hate how chill you are all the time. I'm pissed off about this and you're shrugging about it." Ayoluwa confessed.
"Both of us can't be dramatic. That wouldn't work in this relationship." Joshua pulled his boxers up then a pair of gray joggers.
"Acting like you care isn't being dramatic." Ayoluwa mumbled back, watching as Joshua texted back whoever was blowing up his phone now.
She sat back down on the bed, feeling a little defeated at how this conversation was going.
I wish he would just try to look at this from my point of view.
Why doesn't he see how much he's hurting me?
Why doesn't he care how much he's hurting me?
Why I haven't left yet?
Joshua's phone beeped and when he glanced at the screen, his lips spread into a smile.
"What she's saying now? 'Come over'? Or maybe 'pull up' is the right phrase." Ayoluwa continued, unable to herself.
"Jesus, Ayoluwa! When did you get so fucking insecure? Acting jealous as hell for no reason. When I say she's just a friend, I mean that shit!" Joshua yelled.
Ayoluwa rolled her eyes in an attempt to hide the shooting pains in her chest, "You're so full of shit," She mumbled.
"Why don't you go hang out with Tia? She's been asking where you've been at." Ayoluwa spoke up.
"Maybe I will." Joshua pulled his shirt on and made his way out the door.
"Where are you going?" Ayoluwa called but Joshua didn't answer.
"Where-?" Ayoluwa started to ask again but was only acknowledged by a slamming front door.
Silence settled in the house as Ayoluwa tried to blot at her stinging eyes with her shirt.
The tears streamed down regardless of her actions and Ayoluwa scooted over to grab a tissue from the box on the nightstand.
Before she could, bile started to rise from her throat and quickly Ayoluwa ran to the bathroom to let the colorless vomit into the toilet.
She gasped and choked a little from the mix of releasing all the contents of her stomach and her tears.
The toxicity was starting to destroy her body and if Ayoluwa wasn't careful, it would start to eradicate her mind as well.
