Needing (not edited)

Jasper/Levi (7)

A/N: TW mental illness mentioned briefly
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Jasper

That little jackass. He doesn't deserve Levi.

And that was all I could think about until dismissal. I wasn't even sure why I was feeling like that, I still don't. Actually, I still feel like that now. Like 'no one can have him.' Am I feeling...jealousy? Oh crap. I'm feeling jealousy. Why in the actual hell am I feeling jealous? This is so strange.

Then a little voice in the back of my brain told me, "You like him, don't you?" No, I don't. "Yes, you do. You just haven't realized it yet."

Shit. I like him. Why the fuck do I like a boy? I'm straight.

"You thought you were, idiot."

Will you shut up now please? Let me process in peace.

Oh yeah, I'm bipolar. Forgot to say that. I get voices in my head when I'm depressed or manic. Well, I'm certainly one of the two right now. I'm definitely depressed right now, so it makes sense Mr. Voice has come to bless me with it's presence.

But, that voice in my head isn't wrong. I thought I was straight. Now that I think about it, I had always found guys attractive, but I assumed it was casual and friendly. I always enjoyed myself in the locker rooms with a bunch of shirtless guys around me. I appreciated their bodies, of course. But again, I thought it wasn't romantic attraction. I now realize, it was definitely romantic. That's kind of scary...

Well, at least I've figured it out. Took long enough. I feel so stupid for not realizing sooner. Why didn't I realize sooner? Was it because I was too scared to admit it to myself, let alone other people? I'm not sure.

And that was what I thought about for the rest of the day. I did my homework and ate, and immediately went to sleep. I was too tired, mostly emotionally, to function. Sleeping was my best option.

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Levi

I came home feeling thrilled. A really cute guy, Brandon, talked to me today. Like, somebody who I didn't know before then, talked to me. That's the exciting part. It's kind of sad that I'm happy about someone talking to me. Then again, I really don't care. What the focus is, is that Brandon had a conversation with me, and even told me he'd noticed me before. He said however he was too afraid to talk to me because I seemed too isolated.

Wait, what if it's my fault no one talks to me...because I look too isolated? Or maybe I seem uptight? I'm not sure how, but I suppose it's possible.

I brushed that thought away so I could focus on being happy.

"Woah, what's up with you? I don't think you've smiled that big in, like, two years. Jeez, the things high school does to you are crazy," Luke said, grabbing a bowl from one of our cabinets.

"I'm just happy. And yeah, really though. I don't think you got the curse that is high school, however," I half-joked. It is true that he's always been almost worryingly happy. Even when he started failing a class he was still in his go-with-the-flow attitude. I wish I had his optimism.

"Meh, I don't think school really did anything. Just some other stuff affected me. I believe you should always try to look at the best side of things, though it is hard. That's how you keep yourself from falling."

"Hey, you're actually making sense for once in your life," I said, doing a mockingly clapping. "I'm so proud to be the older brother of such a genius."

"You're only older by three minutes, idiot."

"Still means I'm older."

"Go away," he said, taking the bowl of leftover soup out of the microwave. "Also, I'm hanging out with some friends tomorrow, so I won't be here for the rest of the day."

And, there it is. When he mentions his friends and I remember I don't have any. He has a group of ten or somewhere around there, not including the guys' girlfriends, which add about another five. "Oh. Okay. What are you guys doing?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Well, we're going to Kieran's, and we'll probably go swimming and play video games, like we usually do. They also want to go to a party. I think it's at Tyler's. He has good parties."

"What happens at those parties? What are they like?" At this point I just live through Luke. Him describing things like parties and dates is about all of the exposure I get.

"At the parties there's music, drinks, talking. They're loud, and there's girls in short dresses and guys waiting for a bedroom to be open. Yes, some are actually like that. Movies don't always lie," he replied, somehow whilst inhaling the soup. This dude is the fastest eater I have ever seen.

"I'm not that interested in the girls...or really the guys either if they're all douches."

"Not all are douches. My friends are pretty good, I've made sure of that. Only a few guys are jerks. If we see something happen though, we help. My friend Myles actually just pretends to be girls' boyfriends if he sees anything bad. Now I think about it, a lot of us do that. And the girls who are jerks...well let's just say men are actually able to speak for themselves, since ladies can't due to society's standards."

"That's bullshit," I answered, shaking my head.

"Yes," he agreed. "But yeah. So, why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you want to know? Did you wanna go?"

"Oh. No, I was just curious. I don't really see those types of things so I wonder about them sometimes."

"Yeah, you're not missing out on much...I like Tyler's  though. His are more like music with everybody singing along, and good conversations with the other people. Only downside is that truth or dare usually happens sometime along the night. It's actually kind of fun though."

I hummed in response, then continued, "Okay. Have fun on your date...I guess. Wow, I sounded so much like our parents just then. You get what I mean - uh - bye."

"Wait."