I'm here

Thirty six

Dear Luca,

I'm am grateful for you opening up to me and that's a massive achievement on your part and I'm proud of you, but I do not know if...No, I cannot be with you...Not now at least. We're not good together, I'm not good for you. It would be selfish of me to stay. It would hinder your life, I'm not stable. You're life is already complicated enough, me being in it, well in it more than I already am wouldn't be good. I don't even know what my feelings are...I've not - - I've stopped taking my medication as frequently as I should and I don't know what I'm doing. I do not want to put you through that. I don't want to burden you with my highs and lows.

If the secret service or police or whatever come for me, I will not tell them anything, you can trust me, but I do not know if I can trust my feelings for you...if they're even real, so I've left. I might be back, I don't know but for now, I just, I just need space. Talk to your father and you will understand.

- Your Tesoro Kiana x

Kiana had reread over her note to Luca about a hundred times before she passed it to Giovanni as he told a guard to take her home, back to Cassie and Tom so that she could just - just breathe.

She was meant to be relaxing, well not relaxing, but at least giving herself peace of mind whilst she decided what the hell was going on in her head if she was well enough to truly consider did she love Luca or was it all fake. Was it all in her head and she was mistaking lust and distractions for love.

After she had taken her medication, she had gone straight into the spare room, where she kept notebooks upon notebooks of her patients. It was a locked room, that she only had access to because Tom and Cassie knew it was private information between Kiana and her patients.

She preferred keeping majority of her notebooks at home so that if a patient called and she wasn't at the office, she could reread her notes and help them out of their current state. She also kept them at home because she felt like in the comfort of her own home, she could reread the notes she had made during a session and come up with a better, more long term plan for her patients without the pressure of the time limit of their session above her head.

Cassie walked into the dining room, finding Kiana sat at the table, reading over two notepads, almost as if she was comparing them.

"You okay Ki?" Cassie interrupted her friend as she had come back at an odd time, not wearing her usual clothes, but knew not to ask questions especially not after the club which messed with her head even more

"Ki?" Cassie called out, wanting Kiana's attention

"Did you get it?" She asked, snapping out of her focus of reading her notebooks. Two notebooks in particular, Giovanni's and Luca's - seeing how the two were actually alike and how they both had inconspicuously told her about their life in the mafia without her realising

"Yeah..." Cassie sighed, passing Kiana her refill of the contraceptive pill which Kiana obviously couldn't take at the right time due to Luca carrying her out of her office, as well as a pregnancy test

"Are you okay Ki, what's going on?" Cassie asked once she saw Kiana swallow the pill like her life depended on it immediately, then going to read over the pregnancy test instructions

"I'm fine, I just- fuck, I'm gonna have to take another one of these in three weeks" Kiana mumbled realising that just to be precautious today she'd take a pregnancy test, but she would have to set a reminder for one in three weeks time because Luca is an idiot who doesn't know anything about female anatomy and pregnancy, so pregnancy wouldn't show up on the test until three weeks time, or she could just wait until her next period.

I told him not to finish in me and now look, i fucking had his cum in me for however long and I could already be pregnant... but I could get an abortion, but then he could hate me. Ugh, men...Unless he wanted me to get pregnant so I'd stay. Was Luca really that selfish?

"Kiana what is going on?"

"I think I love him" she mumbled

"Who?"

"Luca"

"Wait what?" Cassie gasped at the random confession as she was merely expecting Kiana to say that she had a stressful day at work

"I don't know, it's like I'm waiting for something to tell me i don't but then I feel like it's just me not taking my medication but then even when I was, I couldn't stay away from him and, ugh, I don't know" Kiana explained

"Fuck" Cassie cursed

"What's up with you?" Kiana asked, confused as to why Cassie wasn't jumping up and down at her potentially finding someone

"If you would of told me that earlier I would of slept with you more" she sighed

"For fuck sake Cassie this isn't the time for sexual jokes" Kiana laughed at her best friend

"No it's just that I love Tom and I love our relationship but the what, three times we've slept together...amazing, and I thought I'd at least get a few more times of that before I stick to one person again" she smiled, as she noticed Kiana shaking her head laughing at her, "Okay you can say no but what about one more time?" She asked

"What?"

"One more time, me and you, if you even remotely think about Luca when I'm pleasuring you then you know your feelings, if you don't, then you know it's just sex with you and him and you're probably just a sex addict, which I wouldn't be surprised at to be honest...We all probably are having threesomes with people we shouldn't be, hmm?" Cassie said as Kiana furrowed her brows

"You know, you, Luca and Anton or whatever his name was then Trevor walked in on you"

"Cassie you already know that I was, I was well I don't even know that night because it's not like I could blame it on alcohol, but fuck... You saw how Antonio was kissing my neck on the dance floor and then Luca came out of nowhere and dragged us up to his office and then he kissed me and I just, I just fucking melted and I wanted him. And then Antonio was still there so I thought fuck it, there's a first for everything"

"Okay okay I already know I just enjoy teasing you about that, but come on...One more time, me and you, it doesn't even have to involve Tom" Cassie suggested, trying to ease Kiana's stress as well as help her in one of their new found ways of helping each other

"I-I don't know..." Kiana sighed, debating on whether it would be right or not