REESE

chapter nineteen.

Reese POV:

When I was younger I had trouble sleeping.

I absolutely loathed the idea of being alone. The whole concept of isolation never really resonated with me. There is concrete scientific evidence stating that social isolation has a profound impact on our higher-level brain functions. Meaning, the longer we stay alone and away from others, our chances of obtaining mental health issues like substance abuse, eating disorders, depression, and anxiety rise inexplicably higher and higher. Theoretically, one could argue the complete opposite. One could argue that prolonged isolation is actually good for us, for being left alone is euphoric all in itself. To which I would respond, if isolation is so euphoric, then why is solitary confinement regarded as one of the most torturous and inhumane punishments one could place on a single individual. In my opinion, the facts were right there, but I seemed to be the only one looking at them.

There was only one conclusion in my mind and it was irrevocable. In order to survive, human beings need other human beings.

I read textbook after textbook absorbing every single statement, fact, hypothesis, and conclusion about the detrimental effects of social isolation on humans. I read these textbooks so I could relay the information back to my mom in hopes of getting her to agree to let me spend every waking moment with either her or my brothers. The way I saw it, I didn't need anyone other than my family. It didn't matter that I had no friends at school, it didn't matter that I was separated from children who were my age, it didn't matter that outside of my home I barely talked to anyone other than my professors, who only spoke to tell me what equation to solve next. None of it mattered. None of it mattered because I had five individuals that never let me feel alone. They showed me love, they showed me affection, they proved every single hypothesis I had read as on social interaction as correct.

Social interaction with the people you loved was freeing.

When I interacted with my mom and my brothers, I was at my happiest. I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to throw away precious time and waste the positive benefits I could have obtained by interacting when I was awake. I didn't just want to be around them, I needed to be around them. My interactions with my family made up for all the social interaction I was missing out on in the outside world.

But then in a blink of an eye, it all changed. My mom died and isolation became all I knew.

Just like the facts warned, my mental health deteriorated. My physical health followed, and soon my entire will to live was hanging on by a thin thread.

And it was because the only four remaining individuals in my life suddenly decided that they didn't want me in theirs.

In the beginning I gave them space. Despite my hatred for isolation, I knew that every so often everyone needed time to themselves. I also knew that my brothers needed a little bit more time than usual because grief was all consuming. It battered your mental health and it seeped into the very cracks of your being, completely flooding your entire existence until it was all you were.

A sad, lonely, self-destructive individual riddled with grief.

When this phenomenon occurs, it is up to the people who you consider family to help you patch up the cracks so you are no longer drowning. It is up to the people in your life to show you just how important you are to them. Your family and friends are supposed to stand by your side and hold you up when you are no longer able to do so by yourself. I didn't have any friends, and it became devastatingly evident that I didn't have family either.

Those four boys were so important to me. So fucking important. I would have done anything for them. If they had asked me to count every fish in the ocean I would have dove into the water and started counting without hesitation. For six years I just naturally assumed that they would do the same for me. Until tragedy struck and they showed their true colors. I quickly realized that if I had asked them to do the same, they would have never even glanced at the water, let alone dive in like me. I would've swam oceans for them, while they wouldn't have crossed a river for me.