Finding You

Chapter 16 - The Ice is Melting, and the Pain Feels Okay

"I'm dangerous, I'm warning you,
But you're not afraid of me,
And I can't convince you,
And I don't have to.
I think you know me."
- Elizabeth Gillies

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As soon as the words leave my mouth, a grin slowly makes its way onto Hunter's face. It's a beautiful smile - warm and real and genuine.

And for me.

"Really?" he says.

I smile and nod my head.

He looks at me then, like he can't believe it. As crazy as it sounds, he actually looks surprised that I like him back. How insane is that?

The real surprise here is that he likes me.

I mean, I guess I kind of felt like there might be something going on between us, but I never really let my mind go there.

I couldn't let myself consider the possibility that a guy like Hunter might see me as more than a friend, because I knew that when I found out he didn't, it would just hurt too much.

So hearing him say that he actually has feelings for me, after telling myself for so long that it wasn't possible? It feels like some kind of dream.

Hunter raises a hand to cup my cheek, his thumb gently stroking the skin there. "God, I'm so glad you said that," he says with a smile. His eyes are bright and happy, and for just a moment, everything feels perfect and right.

But when he starts to lean in, panic shoots through me so hard it almost makes my knees buckle.

It's not because of him, I know that.

I want to be here with him. I want to lean into him and make the space between us as small as possible. But there's something inside that just won't let me, and every instinct I have is telling me to get as far away from him as possible.

It takes another second for my mind to catch up with my body, but when it does, I know exactly what the problem is.

And it's a big one.

Hunter might have said he has feelings for me, but he doesn't have all of the information. He doesn't know what happened between me and Sean, what I let happen. He doesn't know what kind of person I became.

If he knew, there's no guarantee he'd feel the same way about me. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. He'd look at me the way everyone else does, with judgment or pity, and I'm honestly not sure which would be worse.

And I don't want that. But what am I supposed to do? Just not tell him and pretend like it didn't happen? He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me.

I bring my attention back to Hunter, and judging by the way he's looking at me, I know that every single one of those thoughts must have flashed across my face.

"What's wrong?" he asks, concern audible in his voice.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I don't.. I don't know if I can do this."

As the words leave my mouth, his eyebrows knit together in confusion. "What?" he asks. Hunter runs a hand over my hair, like he's trying to bring me back to this moment, to now. "Mia, what just happened?"

Without answering, I start to pull away, disentangling myself from his arms and stepping back to create some distance between us.

He takes a step towards me, but I hold up a hand to stop him. "Just trust me, you don't want me. I'm not...," good enough, the voice in my head finishes for me, voicing the thoughts I've been having since the day I met Hunter. "I can't do this right now," I say instead.