Finding You

Chapter 45 - End of Story

I tried my best to never let you in,
to see the truth. And I've never opened up,
I've never truly loved 'til you,

Put your arms around me,
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go.
You put your arms around me,
and I'm home.
- Christina Perri

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

They say you should never allow loneliness to drive you into the arms of someone you know you don't belong with.

On the surface, that sounds obvious. It sounds easy. But honestly, it's a lot harder than you might think.

The truth is, loneliness is a powerful thing. It can drive you to make decisions that you never thought you would. It can cause you to do things that don't make any sense, and after you've been alone for a while, there's this voice in your head that will tell you to give up - to stop looking for the right one and to settle for just anyone.

But that feeling is a lie.

That voice in your head? The one telling you that this is all there is? It's wrong.

I know that now. I know a lot of things now that I didn't know a year ago.

What I don't know is why I'm sitting here, in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, afraid to answer my own phone.

I woke up too early this morning. Despite being in Hunter's arms, I still had trouble sleeping. After about a half hour, I decided to give up on getting any actual rest and ended up heading outside to the back patio.

I took a seat on the old wooden steps and looked out over the ocean, my bare feet in the sand. Today is our last day here, and I guess I just wanted to soak it all in for a little while longer.

These past couple of weeks have gone by so quickly, I'm not sure I'm ready for them to be over yet. I don't feel ready to go back to the real world, back to our real problems.

So imagine how I felt when my phone rang, and I realized that one of those real problems was actually calling me.

I should be surprised that after Sean's big declaration I didn't hear from him until now, I should. But I'm not.

He's always been this way. Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say he's calling to take back everything he confessed that day in the classroom, to tell me that he was just caught up in the moment, and he didn't mean any of it. Unless, of course, he knows I'm back with Hunter. In which case, I'm sure he's calling to say something nasty.

I can't believe how much time I spent with him, how well I got to know his patterns, how often I let him break my heart. It's weird to think now that he could've ever broken it in the first place, to remember how much his opinion used to matter to me. It honestly doesn't even feel real.

In hindsight, I think I let him treat me so badly because I thought that was what I deserved, for being so stupid about the whole thing.

But I was wrong. No one deserves that.

Still, when Hunter and I were broken up, Sean was there for me. He talked with me when I needed a distraction. He sat with me when I needed the quiet.

I'm not under any illusions about him. I know what kind of person he is. I know that he had his own reasons for doing that, and I know that they weren't exactly selfless.

But maybe after everything, he deserves the benefit of the doubt, or at least a chance to prove that he's changed. Well.. I guess he doesn't deserve it, but maybe I owe it to him.