platonic t.chalamet

lviii

— real life

  he was pretty. just like he had always been. his smile was large, like he won the jackpot. which asa knew was what he believed. he thought he'd won.

  seeing him pulling up the chair in front of him, asa tried her best to push out all the stupid anger she harbored for him.

  "hey." he smiled at her, sitting comfortable in his assigned chair. after asa texted him, the two decided on going to their "spot." the café that they visited when asa assured herself that all things were alright, is now going to be the place that asa will assure him that nothing is.

"hi." she could feel her heart pounding out of her chest at just the sight of his face. he seemed alright. he seemed like nothing is bothering him. that them two, we're alright. that nothing was standing in between them.

"how are you?" his face glittered with happiness as he looked deeply at her. he loved her, he really did. he hadn't been acting like it the last few days, but he does. she knows now it's true, which made her want to pretend once more, but she couldn't. she knows she could never, not anymore.

"i think we should break up."

it kinda just fell out of her mouth. she could feel the words barley forming in her brain, but they spoke loud in clear from her mouth. timothee's face fell at her words before spouting out into laughter.

"break up? ace, i think you should ask me out on a date first, don't you think?" his laugh was angelic, repeating over and over in asa's mind. it wasn't until he saw the look on her face that his laughter died down. "wait, you're serious?"

she didn't want to be. she wanted to go back. back to when platonic was the rules and regulations they lived by. back when they were just best friends that everyone just thought they were dating. back to when—

"asa, you're actually serious?"

"we should break up." her eyes avoided eye contact, but she could sense the bewilderment on his face. asa cursed at herself for using such a stupid term, but there was no going back.

"i'm going back to london tomorrow." she said, her mind flashing back to the last time she sat in this cafe with timothee. i didn't want us to be on weird terms, especially before i head to london. now that's all she is. weird terms.

  "asa, what do you mean?"

  "we've been best friends for so long, but it's obvious you want something more from me. and i can't do it, timothee. i can't give it to you."

  "and so do you!" he began to protest. "you want this, too, i know you do! i can tell!"

  "timothee, i can't give you want you want." she sighed. "i've become so different, lately. and so have you." she finally looked up at him, his face, contorted in confusion. "i've been so impulsive and angry and selfish. and you, you have been all those things, too."

  his face distorted in disagreement, but asa continued.

  "that's why we need to break up. we need to get back to better." she sighed. "i don't think we can ever get back to the way we're were, but tim, we are both so intoxicated. intoxicated by what we want and what we think we need. in all honesty, i've lost myself in you, but only in the worst way possible."

  "no, asa-" he argued, leaning towards her, which she quickly pulled away from.

  "timothee, you say you know me, but how much is that worth if i don't even know myself?" she argued back, feeling the fumes begin again at the sight of him leaning into her. "how can you know me, if i can't even tell you if i want to run away with you, or run away. it's not worth it."