All at Sea

19: What Comes Next?

Content Warning ➙ talk of canon typical violence

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It sucked.

That was the best way she could describe it. Sitting on her bed with tear tracks down her face and her hands shaking too much to do anything. She'd made it upstairs, though, and she thought of that as a win for herself.

Percy laid with her back on the mattress, looking up to the crown molding on the ceiling as she tried her hardest to not think.

Sometimes not thinking came too easily. Today, however, she couldn't get her mind to stop cycling through everything that had gone wrong and how she had to fix it. So far she was drawing a blank. Shockingly, her most plausible idea had a lot to do with spandex and shit sleep patterns.

A knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts. She hummed to let the person know they could come in. Dick stepped into the room.

She turned over to face the newcomer, he'd leaned against the baseboard, perched over like a bird. He analyzed her face, almost as if gauging whether he should try and get across whatever he needed to or if he should flutter away. Percy pressed her lips together, waiting for Dick to make the first move.

"I'm sorry, Percy," he finally spoke up. He was nervously rocking on his heels, pulling himself to and from the baseboard. "I don't agree with B's rules. I did, at some point, but I haven't in so long." He refused to make eye contact while he spoke. "You don't have to care if you don't want to, but I wanna at least explain myself."

Percy sat up, legs crossed with her hands on her lap, silently giving him her attention.

"When Jay--" his voice cracked, filling with emotion he tried to steel in. "When he, uh, d- when the Joker got to him," he seemed unable to get the words out."

Percy murmured a soft "yeah" to let him know she got what he meant. Her voice was hoarse from the sobs that had torn through her, the sound made Dick flinch back slightly.

"Well I, um, I did some things that I don't regret. I don't think I ever will regret them. Bruce didn't like it, he didn't think it was right. He undid it. I don't know how but he undid it and I hated seeing him for so long after that, so I left. I found a place in Bludhaven. It wasn't strictly legal, I was 16, but the landlords there didn't seem to care. I stopped talking to Bruce for a while and I had no intentions of talking to him again.

"But then Jason came back. He was so angry and hurt and he needed someone. He needed someone who could communicate better than a toddler. So I went back. I went back and I tried to get along with Bruce for Jay's sake, and I tried to catch up on lost time with both Tim and Jason.

Look, that's not the point of this. What I'm trying to say is that I don't agree with Bruce, and I should have known better than to forget that other people aren't as desensitized to his black-and-white views. I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry about the way things are. I get it if you don't want to talk to me--and that's fine! But please don't lock yourself away. It's not good for you, it's not good for the others either."

Percy stayed silent for a moment, trying to come up with something to say. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words were washed away before she could get them out, leaving her gaping like a fish. "It's-- it's not okay. But thank you."

Dick nodded solemnly. He'd been expecting that reply.

"What did you do?" Percy asked, not minding if that came off as rude.

Dick wasn't prepared for that. After a moment of hesitation, he furrowed his brows and replied with a whisper. "I killed him."

"You..." the thought laid like acid at the base of her skull. Dick nodded as her words failed her again. "So not even that kept him down?"

"No."

"That's why-- that's why you're so..." Dick nodded again, stopping her mid-sentence. Percy pulled her gaze away from him, moving in a way to offer him a spot on the bed next to her. He sat next to her, mimicking her as she laid with her back to the ruffled duvet.

"I hate people with good intentions," Percy muttered, her hands crossed over her stomach, loath to face him. "You're not allowed to be mad."

"You're allowed to be mad," he assured gently. "Being mad is more than okay."

"No, I'm not. I know where you're coming from. I know the feeling of being the responsible one, the one who could have fixed it but you couldn't. You couldn't because someone bigger and stronger messed it up first." She sighed. "Does it get better?"

Dick clicked his tongue. "The guilt?"

"Mhm."

"Not really. I don't like to think about it. All that matters now is that Jay's alive and so are all of my siblings."

"Hm," she hummed sleepily, her head lolling to the side as hr eyes fluttered shut. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

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p.s. oh wow. that took a while didn't it? well um I'm back from an unprecedented hiatus. i wanna let you guys know that I'm no longer doing the plot i was seeing up. it felt like a chore and i remembered how much i hate it when a feel-good family fic has some mission-centered plot.

well anyways, we're doing better i think. sort of. thanks for sticking by me.

love you, bye.