Devil | A Solomons

THIRTY THREE - BROKEN CHINA

Irina awoke to the sound of one of her expensive China teacups shattering on the tiled floor in the kitchen. Confused, she pushed the blanket from her body, forgetting almost everything that had happened the previous night. She remembered Alfie bringing her home, but anything that had happened after walking through the door was a mystery.

Feeling rather frail with a stomach growling out of hunger, Irina timidly pushed open the kitchen door, peering around the corner to see Alfie scooping up pieces of broken China into his hands.

"Sorry," he mumbled, glancing at her over his shoulder, "I'll buy you a new set."

Irina shook her head, "It's alright. They're old anyway."

They weren't old, but Irina saw a trickle of blood running down Alfie's palm as he cleaned up the floor and instantly felt bad.

The kettle whistled on the stove and Alfie began pouring tea for the both of them. Irina wasn't sure why he was still in her house, or where he had slept the night before, but she didn't have the energy to ask questions. Quite frankly, she would have preferred if Alfie had left before she woke up, looking at his face being a constant reminder of the pain that was deepening inside of her every day, but again, she had no energy to do anything about it.

"Eat this."

He pushed a plate of eggs and toast across to her, the steam from her cup of tea warming her face as she drank some, washing away the bitter taste of whiskey and deep sleep from her mouth.

Irina picked at the food in silence. Her stomach was empty but she was used to the hunger pains by now, anything she did manage to eat usually made her nauseous, which had as a result thrown her into a destructive cycle that was almost impossible for her to jump out of.

"You don't have to stay, you know."

"Someone has to look after you." Alfie replied, leaning on the kitchen counter and drinking his tea.

Irina looked at him, noticing the bags and dark circles beneath his eyes, clear that he hadn't had a wink of sleep the previous night.

"I don't need looking after."

Alfie laughed sarcastically, shaking his head as he watched the birds in the trees just outside the window. He had always admired how much Irina pushed away help and support, it was attractive to him that she was so independent, but he knew her stubbornness would only come back to bite her eventually.

"Yes," he said, "You do."

Irina had managed to eat half of the food on her plate before feeling like taking another bite would force her to throw it all back up. She felt exhausted, despite getting a solid amount of sleep for the first time in a while.

"Shouldn't you be taking care of Rebecca instead? You know, your actual girlfriend?"

Alfie narrowed his eyes darkly, "Give it a rest, Irina."

"What?" She replied, stretching her arms behind her back, "Does she know you spent the night here? Or did you not tell her the same way you didn't tell me?"

Alfie slammed down the teacup on the kitchen counter, the side of the cup cracking and tea spilling out onto the work surface, scolding his hand. He cursed under his breath, running cold water over his hand by the sink for a moment.

Irina stayed quiet, watching him intently as he muttered things to himself quietly, running a hand through his hair, sweeping away stray ends from his face.

He sighed, resting his palms flat on the side after cleaning up the spilled tea, gazing out at the window in silence, still watching the birds in their nest.

"Do you love her?" Irina asked.

Alfie turned his head in her direction, looking at her hollow eyes and bold collarbones, feeling a sickness brew in his stomach.

"Do you love him?"

Irina rolled her eyes at his question, which only seemed to add fuel to the internal fire that was slowly growing hotter inside Alfie's chest.

"Don't roll your fuckin' eyes. If you can ask me that I can damn well ask you the same thing. So?"

Irina glared at him, her lips straight and her jaw clenched, "No," she said bluntly, "I don't. And you?"

"No," Alfie sighed, "I don't love her."

"What about me?"

Her question pulled the breath from Alfie's chest. Part of him thought she was joking, but as he looked across the room at her and saw the way she was sat with her arms crossed at her chest, her eyes wide, waiting for an answer, he knew she was serious.

Alfie had just assumed that Irina knew where his heart lay. He thought that protecting her, taking a bullet for her, making love to her, were all enough on their own to let her know how he felt without him having to actually say it.

The truth was, Alfie was still scared. He had been scared to acknowledge the way he felt about her in the beginning, scared to tell her how he felt before he kissed her, and even more scared to tell her that he had whole-heartedly fallen head over heels in love with her, knowing that she could crush his entire soul with her little finger if he said it out loud.

But as it turned out, she'd done that anyway.

"Irina, you know that-"

"I don't know anything, Alfie. You can't go your entire life assuming things, look where that got you? The last time you assumed something, you ended up fucking your ex."

"And you ended up fucking Tommy Shelby because you also assumed something. So where does that leave us? Ey? Two idiots that are bad at fucking communicating, is that our problem?"

Irina scoffed, shaking her head in frustration. She knew Alfie had a point, but she was far too stubborn to admit that she was also partly in the wrong. She was hurt, torn apart inside and had slowly began to fade away on the outside, too.

"You didn't answer my question." She said quietly, pulling her dark hair over one shoulder.

Alfie scratched his chin, pursing his lips in thought. He knew exactly what his answer was, but he knew that he would never be able to live his life the same was again as soon as those words passed through his lips. He so desperately wanted to tell her he loved her, how he wanted to take care of her and help her get better, to find a way to heal both her body and her mind, to somehow build a bridge over their broken stream of trust and step into a new life together. The only thing that was stopping him was fear, still.

Irina began to feel her bottom lip tremble as the silence thickened. She was desperately gazing at Alfie, feeling the vulnerability wash over her body out of nowhere, suddenly experiencing a lack of control and confidence, feeling as though she needed to hear him say those three words to her in order for her to be able to take another breath.

She wanted him to hug her, to cradle her like a child and feel protected inside his arms, like his body was a shield, the way it had been a shield when he had taken a bullet for her. Irina resented Alfie for what he'd done, but as she sat in that moment, drowning deeper every day in her brutal swap of a mind, she knew that he was the only person strong enough to pull her out of it all, even if he had been one of the hands to push her out to sea in the first place.

"Alfie..." she said softly, her voice breaking and a single tear falling from her dark eyes.

He felt a shooting pain in his chest as he locked eyes with her, struggling to breathe as he watched her do the same, both of them being encompassed in the same private reality for a split second, their souls entwining together for a single forbidden moment, allowing them to connect the way they had done in the past, only to be pulled apart again a second later, Alfie feeling his world being pulled back down to the soles of his feet again.

"I do," Alfie blinked hard, scowling to try and hold back tears, "I do love you. But look what loving you has done, I've ruined you."