Tom Riddle Imagines

if only

Sometimes you wonder Why. Why this? Why that? Why would he? Just why? 

And it eats you up and you start wondering What if? What if I... What if he... What if we... What if she...

Then you start wondering If only... 

If only he... If only she... If only we... If only they... 

If only I noticed. 

If only I had looked, and didn't shrug off the signs, the hints, the red flags. If only I paid more attention, and tried harder. 

If only I didn't fall in love because love is blinding. 

I was blind to his sins, to his mistakes. 

I was blind to him. 

I only saw the person I wanted to, somebody who loved and cherished me, he did, he truly did but if only I was enough for him, if only he wasn't an orphan. If only he could feel love properly, if only he wasn't power hungry. 

If only. 

But now, I was standing over the ruins of the castle, the castle I grew up in, we grew up in. I watched him gleam with power and greed and... evil. 

I watched the boy I loved turn into a monster. 

And I didn't try to stop him, I didn't even notice. 

I was blind and I only saw his charming smiles, his deep eyes, the perfect façade I fell for. 

I wish I didn't fall.

But man did I fall, I fell so hard, and so deep and so so in love. 

I loved him, I still love him. 

Even if I try to deny it, there's some part of my heart, my soul, my essence that still loves the monster I saw. 

And as I stood over the ruins of my home, I watched the fiery spells ignite from his wand and I couldn't move, a scream stuck in my throat, the world around me went silent. 

So silent. 

Why is it so quiet?

And I felt water drops on my hands and I glanced down, and they were my own tears and suddenly I was back, and the world was back and booming into me. 

And somebody was screaming? Who's screaming? 

I realized, it was me. 

Suddenly I seemed to be able to move, and I ran, I ran like the coward I was and I ran until my lungs heaved and I could feel my heart in my neck.

And I    f

                    e

                           l

                                 l   . 

On the rough gravel, and sobs wretched out of me and I heaved air into me, and I hated that tiny part of me. 

Oh I despised it. 

I hated it for feeling, for pulsing, for staying. 

For not running. 

I hated that it still loved him, that I still loved him, and my sobs grew louder and harder and I was banging my bloody fists on the ground and I didn't stop, not when the chaos went quiet, not when I felt a presence behind me. 

But when he embraced me from the behind, whispering sickly promises in my ears. 

And that tiny part of me sung from joy, flew like butterflies in spring. 

And because of that tiny part of me,

I let him embrace me. 

I let him whisper promises to me. 

I let him call me his. 

I let him tell me it will be alright, it will be okay.

I let him. 

If  

      only  

                   I 

                         didn't.