As Cold As Ice

Tried

I lifted my box onto my new bed. I sighed as I sat on the squeaky mattress that was slightly uncomfortable. However I was grateful to have somewhere to stay, even if it was in a mafia house.

I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then I remembered I was going to have to tell Deja about Avery. I couldn't, I couldn't. I can't say those words out loud again. Avery is dead. I'd have to comfort her as she cried over my brother, I'm not prepared for that. I'll be prepared for that. I slipped my phone from out of my pocket and blocked Deja's number. I didn't want to know anyone who knew Avery; Or anyone who reminded me of him.

My heart was racing as I lay back on the bed. I closed my eyes, hoping it would all stop. It'd all be a dream.

The next thing I knew, it was morning. I sat up and glanced around, forgetting everything just for a moment. The memories were so heavy. They played on my mind constantly. Mainly seeing Avery's body, touching him and realising he was gone.

He's not suffering anymore, that all I ever wanted.

As I unpacked my boxes, and my piggy bank. I noticed a slip of paper inside the slot where the money goes. It was only the corner peaking out but I knew it wasn't there before. My eyebrows creased in confusion before I opened the top of the money box and poured everything out on my bed. There were four pieces of folded up paper, just casually sitting in with my money and I definitely didn't put it in there. I blinked a couple of times before unfolding the paper with 1 scribbled on it. The pages were a lot bigger than I expected. They had pen written all over it. It was Avery's handwriting.

"Alex,
Since it's come to this, I think I'm too far gone to save. You probably wonder why I'm not asking for help instead of stealing from you. I can't get clean. I've tried. I promise Ive tried. I can't break your heart by letting you know that I haven't been clean for months; That less than a month after you helped me get clean, I started to use again. I'm not strong enough to push it away. It's gotten to the point where I'm stabbing you in the back by stealing your money.

I'll pay you back someday I swear. Please don't hate me when you find out. I'm leaving this letter so you know and you try to help. I really think it's too late Alex. I know that'll be tough for you to hear. You're probably yelling at me right now. I never wanted this. I love you and stealing from you is the last thing I ever wanted to do. But they won't give me anymore drugs until I start paying and I'll die without them. I'm not joking, I'll die.

Please don't hate me forever~ Avery"

You could tell he was young writing this and that broke my heart; He was so young. My eyes welled up with tears as I read the same sentence over and over.
I love you and stealing from you is the last thing I ever wanted to do.

Im going to murder them all. Every single one of them. Im going to fucking murder them. I didn't notice that the angrier I became, I was starting to crunch up Avery's letter. I stopped when I realised. Anger was all I could feel. It was all that was in my heart. Anger.

I unpacked my things, throwing out useless items. I noticed at the bottom of the box, the comic Avery had stolen from the fortress back at the school when we were kids. It was all too much.

There was so much pressure. I held my head as I leaned against the wall, sliding to the ground. I began to shake my head as I squeezed my eyes shut. My hands moved from my head to my ears, I didn't want to hear anything. The pain was unbearable. It was killing me.

I opened my eyes as I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Alex, are you okay?" Ace asked quietly, with a cigarette in his mouth. I glanced around the room and stood up, with Ace helping me to my feet.
"Yeah" I nodded, feeling the pressure release. I shut my eyes and I felt nothing. No pain, no happiness, I just existed.

"Tomorrow will be your first day, I hope you're ready" Ace smiled, pulling out another cigarette as he stood by my bedroom window. I followed him as I felt the cold breeze hit my face. I took a deep breath before nodding confidently.
"Here, it helps" Ace said, handing me the cigarette. I took the cigarette from him and placed it on my lip as he lit it with his lighter.

"I feel like I can trust you Alex, I have a feeling we'll be good friends" Ace expressed, releasing the smoke through his nose.
"You can trust me, I'll do anything" I agreed, taking in a breath of smoke.
"You give me loyalty Alex, and I'll give you the world" Ace muttered, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I knew I was going to lose who I was and I was okay with that. I wasn't Alex anymore; Nobody knows who Alex is anymore. I was Ice. Ice is all I will ever be from now on.

As cold as Ice.