Silent Suffering

Chapter 10 - Bakusquad Bonding

If anything, squad meetings were taken extremely seriously within the Bakusquad. Katsuki had discovered that the hard way when he didn't show up within an hour after one of those meetings was called. So he knew that even if it was the middle of the night, the squad would be at his door within minutes. Definitely because he was the one who called for it. Katsuki never calls for a squad meeting.

So there they were, Ashido nervously fiddling with the strings of her pants, Kirishima's hair a mess now that it wasn't gelled up, Kaminari still half asleep and Sero giving him a death glare.
"Dude, do you have any idea what time it is?"
"If we're not going to talk about this now, we'll never fucking talk about it" Katsuki huffed, making sure everyone had settled down before starting the meeting.

"What are you talking about?" Kirishima frowned, glancing at Mina.
"Wait, did you-"
"This shit ain't about her, Ei" Katsuki said, instantly earning their attention. Bakugou always used his own stupid nicknames for them unless there was something serious going on. They remembered their first conversation with him after the League kidnapped him. The ash blonde hadn't used a nickname once and it scared the crap out of them.

"Actually, no, it is about her. About all of you idiots who think you can just keep suffering in silence without telling me shit" Katsuki added.
"Look, it's not my fault you're all messed up, alright? Hell, I'm messed up, too. But at least we can talk about it, right? I can't help if I don't know what the hell is going on, okay? And it's fucking frustrating!"

"Wait, what? I don't understand" Kaminari mumbled, rubbing his eye as he lifted his head from Kirishima's shoulder. Katsuki sighed. He knew this moment would come, he just had to spit it out.
"I have nightmares, okay?" he breathed.

"About being attacked and kidnapped and being absolutely helpless... About the fall of All Might, about how everyone sees me as a villain... I mean, if I even catch any fucking sleep at all"
The squad wasn't expecting him to open up like that all of the sudden, just staring at the boy in shocked silence.

"I sweat nitroglycerin" Katsuki continued.
"It's a natural muscle relaxer. The only way my heart can keep beating is if my body is under a constant state of stress, hence the...explosive personality, I guess... It makes it real fucking hard to relax or to fall asleep, which is why I go to bed so early in the hopes of getting a few more hours. It makes me self-conscious, in a way. Reminds me how shitty my quirk really is. Tch, just my luck right? Having a villainous quirk that won't let me fucking sleep-"

Katsuki cut himself off when Kirishima hugged him. The red head was crying, and Katsuki discovered that so was he. Fucking hell. He didn't mean to get all sappy about this shit!
"I'm messed up" he choked out.
"And I hate it! I hate that I feel like a shitty villain and I hate that I have such a low self-esteem and I hate the damn nightmares and I hate that I can't chill the fuck out! I hate that none of you tell me shit! I hate that even though we're friends, I always feel left out! Fucking talk to me!"

After that Katsuki broke down, just letting it all out as he sobbed in Kirishima's arms. The red head told him about something that happened during his middle school days after he calmed down a bit. About how he froze up in the face of danger, about how he wasn't a hero at all.
"I dyed my hair red to prove a point, to change myself" he muttered.
"But I'm still the same coward I was before... My quirk isn't anything special either. Everyone else is just so much better than me and I-"

"Dude" Kaminari interrupted.
"You literally set up the Bakurescuesquad and dove in to save him. I think that alone makes you really manly"
"And your quirk is awesome! Just because it's not flashy, doesn't mean it's not valid!" Mina nodded, biting her lip.

"And now that we're sharing and stuff, I guess I have to say some things too... About the nightmares I've been having a-and the way I've been coping with them"
"I thought you quit" Kirishima whispered.
"Blasty finding me led to this meeting" she explained, guilt stricken by the hurt look her friend was giving her.
"She didn't do anything" Katsuki clarified.